pinakidion.*

Today, I get the privilege of returning to work.

The joy.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very appreciative of the time off I was allowed to take. It’s been great to be home with my wife and child. I was there during the surgery, stays at the NICU, all the important moments.

Having said that, I get to return to SQL Queries, PeopleSoft, and all kinds of fun trying to make a poorly implemented system work in an environment with fundamentally problematic accounting policies. I have proposed several times that I should try to rewrite the system from scratch.

Anywho, more later, just checking in before the big day. yay.

Now that Jasper is home, we’ve had our first night of endless feedings and diaper changes. My boss is great in letting me take two more days to be home in order to care for my family. However, since everyone is asleep but me, I’m taking the time to write some things down. I’m closeby, but not making noise, so I figure it’s as good a time as any.

The ICoC or Something Like It

Soon, some folks are going to put their heads together to figure out the best way for churches worldwide to work together. A look at various missions societies thus far demonstrates that there are big holes in who benefits overseas. Specifically, the Middle East and Southeast Asia.

While there are some good things that can be done, (next article) there is something pretty big to avoid. A lawsuit.

Jasper is finally home!

Life is officially good again.

(Listen for the sound of a lot of stress leaving the proud Dad.)

(Listen later for the sound of a different kind of stress coming in.)

Thanks to everyone for the well-wishes and calls. Rock, I’m still going to send you pictures, I promise.

My wife and I are having a hard time with constant trips to the hospital. Yesterday was particularly difficult as we expected to bring him home. Unfortunately, he heals so well that his nose is clogged with blood clots. At this point, we do not know when he can come home. It is really hard to hope he’ll come home anytime soon.

I know that many of my friends want to help in some way. To be honest, we don’t exactly know what we want. We want to see friends and family, but we do not want everyone to come over at once. We want to express our deep appreciation for all your thoughts and prayers, but we get home at weird times. We’re tired and frustrated, yet we feel so loved by many of you.

On the practical side, my mother-in-law is with us until the end of the month. She is taking care of our home and arranging meals for us. She has been an invaluable help. My father is coming to visit this Wednesday through Friday. This weekend is our one year anniversary.

Feel free to call, especially as Shane and Karla are being a bit worn out from questions. I’ll let you know about visits. My wife can especially use some verbal hugs - this routine has really interfered with normal maternal activities that she has been excited about for months. Again, yesterday was especially difficult for her.

I am doing okay. I went back to work for some sense of normalcy and to guarantee income. Actually, they will let me take all the time I need and that is great. My employer is great, the office folks took up a collection for us. It is good to feel wanted.

I hope this helps my friends and famly. If not, email me or call. Thank you again. We love you all.

Just a bit of a random post today. Jasper’s surgery went well and we are delighted to have him home soon.

In the meantime, I found a new browser called Flock. It allows me to write a blog without visiting my site. It also does a few other things, but this one alone is neat.

Be back soon.

Thanks to all that have wished Jasper well during this scary time. Of course, it’s only scary to us, not to him. He’s fine. He loves to eat, he loves his mom, he makes forceful poops… he’s totally fine. I figure all the right things are in motion for him to say “Hi Mom” when he gets on TV for the first time.

Jasper has a mild form of Goldenhar’s Syndrome. The things we will need to watch for the rest of his childhood include kidney problems, spinal fusing, uneven jaw(though it looks like that will not be a real issue), and possible learning disabilities. So far, the doctors believe that the only real issue for him from the above list is his kidneys.

As a result of Goldenhar’s, he has deformed ears and strange ear canals. All the nerves are there for him to hear, but he failed the hearing test. He may have failed because of his ear canals or the crudity of the test. We’ll find out more about the extent of his hearing loss when he goes to Boy’s Town next week.

Also as a result of Goldenhar’s, a blockage of some kind of tissue grew in his left nostril. He can only breathe from his right side and he cannot come home until that is rectified. Friday morning (tenatively 9:30 CDT), he goes in to have this blockage surgically removed. If the blockage has blood vessels, the operation will take a little longer and he will have a stint for a couple weeks.

Thanks again for the prayers and well-wishes. Thanks for the flowers, they are beautiful. Call if you want, just know that we are at the Hospital all day. My mother-in-law checks all the messages and serves as the go-between.

We are doing pretty well. Sometimes you laugh, sometimes you cry. I write when I can to express what I feel as does my wife. It’s been a rollercoaster, but I can honestly say that I haven’t been angry at God at any point. I feel like He has been good to us.

That’s all the news that’s fit to type. I would have preferred to call, but this is helpful to me as my time is limited these days.

Goldenhar.

Some doctor in 1952 puts a name to something that seemed to happen often enough to merit a name. So he studied it, gave it a proper medical name (OAV - oculo-auriculo-vertebral dysplasia) and at some point, went the way of all flesh.

So I have a name to what is affecting Jasper so much. His ears are different. He has a large piece of connective tissue blocking his left nostril. His ear canals are malformed.

Somehow having a name that covers all of his ailments gives me a power over it. A thing with a name has characteristics to describe it. Once explained, the name alone conveys meaning to others. It makes large and complicated things more portable and easier to handle linguistically and emotionally.

So, my son has Goldenhar’s Syndrome. He may be hearing-impaired for the rest of his life. He may be the butt of jokes because of his ears. The name carries these fears in it as well as the medical definition. It’s just easier to answer the question, “How is your son?” with “he is doing well, but he has Goldenhar’s Syndrome”. Thanks to the internet, you can do your own research into what that is.

I think about the new name written by God for me. (Rev 2:17) I imagine getting to heaven and hearing it from Him directly and knowing that it fits perfectly.

When Jasper was five minutes old, I held him and gave him a secret name known only to me. When he grows to be a man, I will give him this secret name and it will be known only to me and him. It makes me sad that my son may not have heard me whisper his secret name to him. Then again, I believe that God has been whispering my secret name to me during my entire life. I long to listen to Him and discover the new name He has for me. I don’t say this in a pentecostal manner at all - this isn’t a prophecy of anything. However, I know that this new name he has for me encapsulates all the good he put in me. I know that it wil describe my life and make the ideas of ‘who I am’ and ‘whom I was created to be’ so portable and easy to understand.

I want to embrace the identity that God has for me, not the identity I have constructed for myself to show the world.

A large part of that will be determined by stillness and intense listening.

This week while reading, praying, and begging God to keep my family physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy, I have learned a few things that may not be important to anyone but me.

My mother-in-law has heard me share quite a bit about my church past. I’ve heard her concerns over my wife’s history with the ICoC subculture as well. She respects what we are doing now, but as an expert in restorative justice, she is good at helping people comes to grips with damage done. Oddly enough, though, she just listened.

I read about Kip and the Brother’s Letter and all of that. I felt like someone finally did something. Oddly enough, though, it didn’t make me feel any better. I held my breath as I hoped that Kip would respond to 65 of his friends plead with him to change.

Considering what my son is going through, I feel silly now for any emotional investment I’ve put into the entire situation.

The fact of the matter is that I have dealt with all the harm caused to me personally, but I have not dealt with the reason that I am still angry. I spent 10+ years in the ICoC subculture depending on a leader to shine the light in the dark places of the world. I looked up to Kingdom Heroes and all WSL’s. I prayed for them and hoped that God would guide them to help people everywhere. I felt comforted that I was in Triangle Church, a place much different than other churches I visited within the ICoC. Our GSL was different, our WSL was different, our evangelist was a “worldwide teacher”. I looked to all of them to fix problems I saw in the lives of my friends in the church. I looked to them to change certain aspects of leadership, even within our church.

When the HKL validated my secret resentments, I thought that I had broken free of this behavior. Turns out that I have still looked to certain leaders to fix things. I have been angry all this time that certain men, Douglas Jacoby, Steve Staten, Gordon Ferguson, Sam Laing, and various others of the ‘enlightened’ group known as teachers would address our problems and fix them. When they did not appear to address these issues, I became angry and felt that they weren’t doing anything at all.

Truth is, they are trying to do something, but I do not agree with how they are doing it. So many have been scared of Kip, but nothing was said publically for five years. We have done so much damage through terrible theology, groupthink, and hubris - yet very few risked their titles and positions to do what was right.

I think it is ironic that the message sent to Kip now is the same as almost 30 years ago. I also think it is hypocritical to publicly deal with the Indianapolis split, publically through KNN yet deal with our newest split in secret. (Oddly enough, it’s only because of Kip that the letter written to him to repent is public knowledge at all.) I think it is sad that someone that appears to these 65 brothers to be in such great error go to great pains to fawn over him before rebuking him. If you’ve really been talking to him for years as claimed in the letter, then there is no need to butter him up in half of the letter.

Most of all, I think it tragic that some will think that we have done something by removing the man, but not the theology. McKeanism is still rampant - read the websites of various leaders and it is quite obvious. Read the letter written to Kip, it’s still there. We still shoehorn all of the “one another” verses into “you need discipling”. Discipling, on various church websites, still means getting input of many areas of your life before acting. When you come from such a groupthink, I-need-to-get-permission-to-move-to-another-city culture, how will using the same verses change how people deal with each other? How can the church culture change by putting the same hermenutic on a body of verses?

I have decided that I will not look to these men to fix the issues that remain. I do not believe that they will, however, I pray that God will bless their efforts. Who knows, they may end up to have been right all along. I’m sure they would agree with me that I should not look to them the same way I looked to leaders in the past.

Unification
I have some concerns over the unification of the churches. I had a plan to submit to the unity folks, but re-reading it, I realized that I was trying to codify behavior into the by-laws. Some Mission Societies have a document of guiding principles, I will probably use that in my proposal, but in the end, I realized that I do not trust the nine appointed to do the right things and I do not trust that they know anyone that will do the right things. What are the right things?

• Handle money wisely, do not let overseas missionaries live ‘American’ lifestyles.
• Do not pay board members of the missionary society. At best, the society should reimburse churches for half of the salary of board members, if they insist on being paid.
• Work with other churches, especially groups like Stadia, Let’s Talk, and other missionary efforts.
• Do not create a core set of beliefs, encourage each member church to write their own.
• Stop guessing at the number of unsaved in a given country. We’re counting only those that are not members of our churches.
• Use the phone to co-ordinate with other Missions Societies, not big meetings in hotels. It’s okay, I’m learning that phones are not evil myself.

However, I do not believe it will happen. Shawn Wooten still makes over $110,000/yr to live in Moscow, but he always seems to be in the US. We have tear-filled statements about millions of unsaved in Europe as if we’re the only ones saved. No initiatives have even been considered with other groups, even those that have built faster and better than us. The same people show up at conferences all over the country. Initiatives thus far have tried to put some authority into a central body as if we needed the World Sectors and central leadership all over again.

So, I will submit my ideas and pray to God that he will work things out. I may be surprised, and I hope I will. No matter what happens, I want to remain close to God. What that means specifically is this:

I will be a part of my present church as long as it helps me learn about God, myself, my marriage, and my son. So far, I have learned so much I cannot imagine leaving. I will stay here as long as I feel a part of the family - and so many have poured out their hearts to us.

When we move to another city, I will not automatically look to the ICoC congregation to place membership. I will find a healthy church that respects its members and strives to draw near to God.

If a church is planted in my hometown by the Hampton Roads Church of Christ with Mike Fotenot as elder, I will fight it with all of my being. If Kip or his minions plant a church in my hometown, I will also oppose it. If Kip tries to replant Omaha, I will fight it. I cannot change want people do worldwide, but I can help those whom I love in my spiritual and physical families.

I will stop being afraid to write my thoughts for fear of censorship.

I know, with my son in the ICU, someone will probably say that because I have a lot of stress on me that somehow I should be excused. These are things I thought about long before Jasper, the letter to Kip, and many other things. I say them after much prayer, soul-searching, sharing, talking, hoping, and looking to God to guide me through his word. I say them firmly and with confidence that it is the right things for me and my family. I cannot say it is right for anyone else, they will have to do their own wrestling with God.

My little guy is tough, no doubt about it. The nurses are quite aware of any displeasure on his part.

He loves his mom.

He is still in ICU - my wife and I have been through all kinds of scares in the meantime. Essentially, he has trouble breathing because one side of his nose is completely blocked. They do not know if it is a bone blockage or soft tissue. Needless to say, soft tissue is easier to fix.

However, he also failed his hearing test and it was an entire day until we found out that the auditory nerve is fully developed and in place. Turns out his ear canals may not have developed correctly - we’ll know more later this week. In the meantime, we have entertained ourselves with some of the strangely odd things that get repeated to us by all the doctors.

Babies are natural nose-breathers.

We heard that said ten times yesterday while we were visiting with the neonatologist, two nurses, the ENT resident (and her friend) and our friendly neighborhood geneticist. I have a rolodex with all the folks we’ve seen, but they are all quite insistent that babies are natural nose-breathers.

Twenty-odd Jasper fans cannot be wrong.

I wish that he was home, I really hate hospitals and I have spent most of my time in one since last Thursday. I’m glad that we went out to a movie last night - we needed the break. Still, Jasper is at the hospital and hasn’t been home yet. It’s not so much that he will begin to think that the hospital is home that scares me - it’s the fact that it is beginning to feel like home to me. I barely recognize my house and if my mother-in-law wasn’t here, it would be filthy and unkempt. It’s hard to be robbed of taking him home when we left Sunday. It’s harder waiting for him to come home.

In the meantime, we pray. We don’t really pray that he will be a hearing child or that he will have ‘normal’ ears one day. We just pray that he can come home.

Anywho, there’s so much fun we’ve had to this point - I got to read to him and play with sock puppets. I think that most of his toys are really mine, but I have promised to share. Sharing his great toys is pretty tough, too. Oh well, I guess we’ll figure that out next week.

Just in case I don’t get a chance to call.

Thanks to all of you that called or wrote me yesterday and last night. I truly appreciate it. I am grateful for the outporing of love and concern for me and my family.

Thank you very much.

I have become aware recently of just how stressed I am. Maybe it’s not a surprise to those that know me, but I am talking about stress more than usual.

My wife and I have been talking about things we do that hurt the other in our marriage. The thing I do that hurts her the most is that I am prone to angry outbursts. I wasn’t surprised by that, I have dealt with my temper my entire life. My brother and I refer to it as the family temper as it has been demonstrated through at least three generations.

However, what was surprising to me was the source of the anger. I have tried all kinds of things to modify the behavior, but these fixes are just band-aids for the real issue. The real issue is that I have a limited ability to deal with stress. In my pre-married days, I had comparatively little stress. I would get worked up about something, stress out for a day, then let it go. I could still cope that way now, but only if the amount of stress was limited.

These days, I have dealt with a move, a fight with my former apartment complex, a new marriage, a pregnancy, a car that no mechanic will do any work for, money issues, a job I really do not enjoy, delaying a new business, and of course, the dramas involving the so-called leaders of the ICoC subculture. I don’t think that I have more coming at me than anyone else - I know people with more stress handling it well. The fundamental issue is that I lack the skills to deal with my stresses and as a result take them out on my wife or feel the effects physically. This goes beyond the simple things like “take a walk, recreate, talk it out, etc.” This is a block that will require something more.

My wife is willing to help make the home more peaceful and do what she can. I have also updated my resume to look for a new job. Currently, much of my stress seems to be work-related. I am also looking into professional help. I have to find ways to take pressure off myself and deal with everyday stresses in a healthy way. I appreciate the support of friends, family, church, and others. Please pray for me in this area, I am determined to do something about it.

It used to help to write some things out here and I still plan to. However, I am aware of certain people that have deemed themselves the KingdomThought Police, so somethings will be written privately. I am aware that it will take about five years for anything to be done about whatever I write about the ICoC subculture, but I’d rather not waste the energy.

In any case, I still hope to write more about Dira, my life in general, and the baby. Oh yes, I will be the world’s worst in writing about the baby. Given that I’ll be home for a week with a little time on my hands…

According to their own letter, it has now taken almost five years to write the following letter to Kip. (The same letter appears on the DisciplesToday website, but requires an account to view.)

I have mixed feelings, but what else is new.

To the authors of this letter, this must have been painful for you to do. If I understand you correctly, taking this extreme step was difficult to take with someone viewed by many as a father in the faith. Despite this, I am glad that you are doing the right thing.

I am concerned, however, in that he was given so long a period of time when others have not. This appears as favoritism to me, but I understand that my perspective is limited. I have only spoken to many of you once or twice in person, and a few times by email. I have only spoken to Kip once.

Will you take this long to deal with doctrinal errors that result from 25 years of Kip’s teachings? You speak of reform, but I do not see it. This rebuke of Kip is step one, not a final step. Will you persevere to the end? As far as I know, I certainly will - I have not left and I do not intend to leave.

I have not left because I believe that true reform, reform of the heart, can only take place from the inside. Extrenal pressure can change behaviors, and that is certainly what has happened in light of Henry’s letter. However, Henry’s letter could not and did not change hearts to begin a true reform - only the working out of each man’s salvation in fear and trembling can that kind of heart change take place. Specfically, I had hoped that Henry’s letter would have been a catalyst to change. Again, this does not appear to be the case - we have only made our doctrine more community friendly. I have spoken to some of you, read recent writings by some, and listened to sermons of others - what has changed?

Thank you for saying something and detailing what different reactions will look like. Thank you for doing something so very difficult. I pray that we can continue to make difficult and painful choices in order to do what is right before God. I do not want to detract from what you have done. As much as I feel concern, I am grateful that many of you said something publically and directly.

*NOT FINISHED*
A year ago, I started looking at what I called God-Thinking Theology. In part, it was a reaction to reading about efforts to “balance out” works-oriented theology with grace-oriented theology by leaders in the IC0C subculture. It struck me as odd that an unbiblical practice would require balance instead of elimination. It also struck me as strange that by implication, grace also needed to be balanced out. I certainly do not want grace to be “balanced out” for me as I have no righteousness of my own to use as counter-balance. I believe I know what was meant: there was a fear that teaching too much grace would demotivate people from acts of service, love, kindness, etc. Still, the bottom line is a concern about what a person does instead of who a person is. Read more…

Remember that in Hesberian, aj is pronounced similar to ai in English. When followed by another vowel, a y sound is slightly vocalized on the second vowel. In short, the name is me-nai-yen.

Menajen was a generation removed from Eristotle and yet learned at the school he founded shortly before his death. Menajen was fascinated by numerology and tended to shoehorn all knowledge into his “principles of numbers”. Started from the principle that all things conformed to a pattern of sevens, he sought to redefine the world.

Observing a rainbow, he stated that there were seven colors. Studying music, he argued that a five note scale was really an incomplete version of a seven note scale. In medicine, he agreed with Onhedius that there were seven major body systems, seven fluids in the body, etc. He even went so far as to describe the seven humors and their effect on personality. There were seven shapes though the last two were perfect forms that did not exist in the real world, the ’supersphere’ and the ’supercube’. He named seven oceans, seven types of sentient species, seven major gods, seven minor gods, seven realms, etc. etc.

Specifically in music, he demonstrated that a seven note scale contained the notes from the two types of pentatonic scales. If you imagine the seven notes as 1 -7, he argued that a major pentatonic was notes 1,2,3,5,6 while the minor was 1,2,4,5,7. When critics pointed out Pythagoras’ circle of fifths demonstrated harmony mathematically and that his seven note scale did not follow a similar harmonic, he simply denounced Pythagoras as a ‘drifting sophist without practical learning.’

The list of gods he provided was incomplete. For this reason, it is believed that the offended god struck Menajen down. Ironically, he neglected the god of wine and died from alcohol poisoning.

His work would have been completely lost except for the emergence of magic centuries later. The numerology of his work appears to explain unknown areas of magic more easily than Eristotle or his followers. The fact that Menajen’s theoeries have been demonstrated to be inaccuarate in most areas of knowledge, including magic, has not deterred interest in his writings. Every generation produces at least one mage trying to create a ‘circle of sevenths’ that explains Pythagoras’ circle of fifths and corelates with the magic septagram.

As a result, an inept magician is usually called ‘Menajen’, a ’seven-seer’, or worse. His works are associated with the ‘unlearned’ in the magic community.

No news to report and I’m sure that many are glad. Kip has resorted to yelling at his own congregation instead of others. The legalistic demands of never missing a service, more contribution, etc. etc. have returned full force. He does mention that if what he says is in the Bible, then it is from God. I beg to differ - I’ve found that many people have the ability to use biblical words to describe unbiblical things.

One word historically used by the ICoC Subculture this way was disciple. A false comparison was made with the word Christian. When a person would ask, “what, then, is a disciple?” the answer became a lesson in being committed. Using a biblical concept of commitment, everything else that makes up a follower of Christ was conspicously ommitted. That left folks believing that following God only meant to be committed. Biblical words, unbiblical result.

In any case, I am working on a draft proposal to send to the unity group. I’ll publish it here when it’s done, which may be weeks. In the meantime, I enjoy working on Dira and waiting for the baby.