I asked my wife about all of this and she agrees that I supress what I feel. She and I have gone to great lengths to give each other a safe place to express our feelings in order to prevent supression. Part of the reason I go to a therapist now is to deal with that supression. It comes out in me as physical sickness, pain, and overeating.

She also says that anger is not my big thing now. Whatever I describe as my past darkness is not there now in her estimation. Yes, I still can lose my temper, but when I am angry these days, it is not hollow, but directed.

She also brought up the relationship with my Dad. There may be something to that. Moving away has been both good and bad in some sense. I wish my Dad and others could be close by to play with my son and enjoy him.

Thanks for the thoughts.

Before I became a Christian I had a terrible temper. Thank God he helped me get rid of it, for the most part, but I see it creaping back in my life. I’m understanding how much envy I have with regards to my relationship with my family/father. I don’t know why but it’s always how much my dad does for the other kids versus me. I’ve kind of been proud of how much I don’t care what people think of me but I care so deeply about what my dad does in this regard. Money is involved too and I’m sure other factors. Anyway, I am crying out to God to change this about me. To help me overcome this forgotten sin of mine that has crept back…envy. To pray to love my kids all the same so that they don’t have the same struggles. To be rescued from this body of death.

I admire the lengths to which you’ve gone to overcome your anger. I think a lot of what I need to overcome, (and maybe you in this area), has to to with our relationship, or lack thereof, with our dads.

It is hard to live near fmaily and be spiritual. But do you flee from it or know that it is something that has to be overcome before the end of the age?

My anger (the past darkness) began at some point as a teenager and boiled over as a young adult in college. I became incredibly unstable to the point of wandering Pullen Park in Raliegh at night and literally growling (among other things). I eventually had what I learned later was a nervous breakdown - I was 19. After years of prayer, getting professional help, and honestly spending a few months at home, I became stable. Neither me, the professionals, not well meaning friends ever figured out why I was angry in the first place, but we did figure out that I needed to express all of my emotions in healthier ways.

So I called out to the only one that could save me realizing that he may act all at once, or slowly over time. In this case, it was slowly over time. I have pleaded with God for over 15 years to release me from this. I believe he released me from the ‘big’ anger around the year 2000. I have not overcome my temper, yet.

The point could be made that I never really stopped being angry, I just learned to finally supress it and I attributed my peace to God. You could be right. Getting professional again recently has helped me deal with the physical side of stress. I have also learned about being assertive as opposed to passive-agressive.

I do know the source of my recent anger - it has to do with various church stuff. In short, I feel like my friends are going back to what got us abused in the first place. I have spoken to the leadership, friends, and others. I am pretty much a minority of one and that upsets me. I feel both that I do not want to go through a similar HKL drama again and that I want to think like every one to make my life easier. As such, I get angry at myself for feeling this way and at God for various reasons.

In this present darkness, I have become worried about the things of this world. This comes from a variety of places. A lot of it is feeling like I am not providing for my family. I make 49K a year and we are still living off peanut butter and hot dogs. I have to be creative with how we pay for medical bills and even food - if it was just me I would be fine.

I talk to my wife and others about this and she reminds me that she married me for me, not my money. My friends have sent my money and support. My church even paid for half my son’s $1200 hearing aid, another organization paid for the other half. My father bought my Cadillac from me. Four friends recently sent me money as well. One day at church three months ago, an envelope was left for us with cash in it. I have even submitted my finances to a friend (with financial experience) to make sure that I am not wasting money. I am grateful for the support of family and friends.

However, none of this makes me feel much better because I am weary of living this way. Paul learned how to be content whatever his lot in life, so again I turn to the only one that can help me in my emotional space. Sometimes, as I wrote, in the pleading, I get upset with God and so I stop for awhile. As with people, sometimes when you are angry at someone, a time-out helps to clear the mind in order to continue to work out issues. Paul admonishes us to be clear-minded so we can pray. For me it requires a few things, especially the physical component.

Overall, though, I tend to be a person that expresses something once, and then I feel better. After posting, I felt much better, so I was able to pray again without interrupting mid sentence.

I am not trying to refute anything you are saying to me, I am only offering background so that I may take advantage of your insight.