When I awoke this morning, I realized that I was preoccupied with many things.
For years when I awoke, I would be angry and I never knew why. I found that neither the previous day’s happenings nor mediatation before sleeping changed this from occurring. After a while, I just accepted that I would wake up angry for the rest of my life.
However, without realizing it, I was awakening each morning less angry than the day before. I say that now, because I no longer awaken to a feeling of being angry at everything and nothing at all. What allowed this change was persistence and time.
I accepted that I would awaken angry because it prevented me from getting more upset than I already was. At the the same time, I prayed and I meditated. I had this Kirkregardian fatalism about it – I would do the right thing even if it seemed to be meaningless. Besides, I thought, Paul was made perfect in weakness – his struggle with something larger than himself defined him. His struggle allowed him to live in humility. His struggle helped him to remember that he was not better than those to whom he preached. In some ways, it was his Total Perspective Vortex (without the nasty side effects).
One day I woke up and I realized that I wasn’t angry. I was actually pretty happy. My circumstances hadn’t changed, I was being asked to move out of the house I lived in. There was no shaking it, though, I wasn’t angry and I was excited to have this one day of repreive. One turned to two, two to four, four to thirty, thrity to hundreds. There are times that I still awaken to being angry or being deeply sad (inward-facing anger type of sadness). A few months ago, I had awoken angry everyday for two weeks – I had maintained praying but had stopped meditating. I also got some good advice to deal with the physical aspect, not just the emotional and spiritual aspects. So, I still take time every morning to pray, meditate, and also perform a personal ritual to remove physical tension that comes about from my wrestling with God.
I say all this because recently, I have awoken preoccupied. It feels like a stress kind of thing, but it comes out as sadness sometimes. It literally feels like I become aware of the end of a conversation just as I am waking up. My first thought is “what did you just say”? The thought then repeats and a host of others start crowding for attention in recognition that I am somewhat conscious.
Biblically, it is the mentality of the third soil. I am caught up in the worries and cares of this life. I have even shifted my focus away from God being my source of joy to a stock sale being my source of joy. I never knew I had 12 shares of Met Life stock until recently, so I sold them because my family and I are way-past broke.
It’s been said before – when Peter kept his focus on Jesus, he walked on water, when he focused on the storm, he sank. And yet, the grace of God is that he sank slowly: he had time to call out to Jesus and time for Jesus to walk(not run) over to help him up. In my life, I am glad that the grace of God has allowed me to sink slowly. I have time and space to call out for help.
I mention my previous difficulty because I am aware that this present darkness will change the same way. Even when the money comes and I enjoy the good friends God has blessed me with and I live at peace with my neighbors, I am going to awaken to a stream of unrelated thoughts for awhile.
When I prayed this morning for quite awhile, I did not feel better at the end. I did not even end with “Amen”. I went from casting my burdens upon him to getting upset that certain things are happening in the first place. So I stopped. I hope that later I can be clear-minded so I can pray. This post is a part of that process.
As good as it will feel, a check in the mail today is not the answer to all my problems. It will alleviate my circumstances a bit, but it is not the answer. The answer is and always will be God.
Through God, four friends helped me financially this month. Without their help, we wouldn’t have made it with all utilities on. I also would not have the crates of Ramen noodles. Through God, another friend, not knowing of our financial situation, gave us several pounds of venision, beef, and pork sausage. Someone else paid for my wife to go to the women’s retreat. Through God, she was able to deliver a small talk that some people really enjoyed. Through God, the DBA job has finally been posted, but it will be open for only four days (this is a good thing for internal candidates like me). Through God, we have good friends that we can share other things with and have them share with us. Through God, I have two communities of friends to bring joy and happiness. Through God, I have a wonderful son that laughs all day.
All of this is the grace of God that I was sinking slowly.
In a few months time, I hope to awake to a brand new day – again.
Sounds like you have a lot going on. My wife and I (and our 8 year old) have also been going on hard times. It it interesting how God continues to give to those who love him, so that they never will go without. When times are tough, I think of David. David, when facing Goliath remembered his victories over the bear and lion in order to have faith over his victory with the giant. I do this too, and often. I remember that there has never been a time that we have ever, EVER, go without. God has always provided for us. Now, many times that didn’t just happen by us sitting around waiting for it to fall in our lap, but it took sometimes begging for help from family and church. God also blesses humility (which of course I am still trying to grasp). But with this anger thing, it sounds like you are a master as surpressing your emotions. I know just from reading your blog, and our interactions that this is the case. I plead that you pray for God to release you of your sorrow and anger, and to open the self inflicted blockade that you put up. Of course, I could be wrong.
Just some background as I hope it will be helpful. I will not deny that I tend to supress emotions rather than work through them.
My anger (the past darkness) began at some point as a teenager and boiled over as a young adult in college. I became incredibly unstable to the point of wandering Pullen Park in Raliegh at night and literally growling (among other things). I eventually had what I learned later was a nervous breakdown – I was 19. After years of prayer, getting professional help, and honestly spending a few months at home, I became stable. Neither me, the professionals, not well meaning friends ever figured out why I was angry in the first place, but we did figure out that I needed to express all of my emotions in healthier ways.
So I called out to the only one that could save me realizing that he may act all at once, or slowly over time. In this case, it was slowly over time. I have pleaded with God for over 15 years to release me from this. I believe he released me from the ‘big’ anger around the year 2000. I have not overcome my temper, yet.
The point could be made that I never really stopped being angry, I just learned to finally supress it and I attributed my peace to God. You could be right. Getting professional again recently has helped me deal with the physical side of stress. I have also learned about being assertive as opposed to passive-agressive.
I do know the source of my recent anger – it has to do with various church stuff. In short, I feel like my friends are going back to what got us abused in the first place. I have spoken to the leadership, friends, and others. I am pretty much a minority of one and that upsets me. I feel both that I do not want to go through a similar HKL drama again and that I want to think like every one to make my life easier. As such, I get angry at myself for feeling this way and at God for various reasons.
In this present darkness, I have become worried about the things of this world. This comes from a variety of places. A lot of it is feeling like I am not providing for my family. I make 49K a year and we are still living off peanut butter and hot dogs. I have to be creative with how we pay for medical bills and even food – if it was just me I would be fine.
I talk to my wife and others about this and she reminds me that she married me for me, not my money. My friends have sent my money and support. My church even paid for half my son’s $1200 hearing aid, another organization paid for the other half. My father bought my Cadillac from me. Four friends recently sent me money as well. One day at church three months ago, an envelope was left for us with cash in it. I have even submitted my finances to a friend (with financial experience) to make sure that I am not wasting money. I am grateful for the support of family and friends.
However, none of this makes me feel much better because I am weary of living this way. Paul learned how to be content whatever his lot in life, so again I turn to the only one that can help me in my emotional space. Sometimes, as I wrote, in the pleading, I get upset with God and so I stop for awhile. As with people, sometimes when you are angry at someone, a time-out helps to clear the mind in order to continue to work out issues. Paul admonishes us to be clear-minded so we can pray. For me it requires a few things, especially the physical component.
Overall, though, I tend to be a person that expresses something once, and then I feel better. After posting, I felt much better, so I was able to pray again without interrupting mid sentence.
I am not trying to refute anything you are saying to me, I am only offering background so that I may take advantage of your insight.
When I was in the ICOC the last few years I woke up angry and in cold sweats. A lot of stress, disappointment, broken dreams and promises and hurt. It’s been a couple of years now but I maybe have one once a month now.
Before I became a Christian I had a terrible temper. Thank God he helped me get rid of it, for the most part, but I see it creaping back in my life. I’m understanding how much envy I have with regards to my relationship with my family/father. I don’t know why but it’s always how much my dad does for the other kids versus me. I’ve kind of been proud of how much I don’t care what people think of me but I care so deeply about what my dad does in this regard. Money is involved too and I’m sure other factors. Anyway, I am crying out to God to change this about me. To help me overcome this forgotten sin of mine that has crept back…envy. To pray to love my kids all the same so that they don’t have the same struggles. To be rescued from this body of death.
I admire the lengths to which you’ve gone to overcome your anger. I think a lot of what I need to overcome, (and maybe you in this area), has to to with our relationship, or lack thereof, with our dads.
It is hard to live near fmaily and be spiritual. But do you flee from it or know that it is something that has to be overcome before the end of the age?
I still have far to go, Pfredy has a point in that. I do not feel like I have not been as consistent in my efforts as may be required.
I asked my wife about all of this and she agrees that I supress what I feel. She and I have gone to great lengths to give each other a safe place to express our feelings in order to prevent supression. Part of the reason I go to a therapist now is to deal with that supression. It comes out in me as physical sickness, pain, and overeating.
She also says that anger is not my big thing now. Whatever I describe as my past darkness is not there now in her estimation. Yes, I still can lose my temper, but when I am angry these days, it is not hollow, but directed.
She also brought up the relationship with my Dad. There may be something to that. Moving away has been both good and bad in some sense. I wish my Dad and others could be close by to play with my son and enjoy him.
Thanks for the thoughts.