I announced on Facebook earlier tonight that I am retiring the pinakidion identity. Since I haven’t posted here in three months, I figure that requires some sort of explanation.
An old friend of mine asked me if anyone calls me ‘bear’ anymore. I had to reply that I tried to change my name back, but it’s too late. All my friends now know me as John. My wife married me as John. The children know my grown up name is John. Only my parents and brother call me “Bear” anymore.
Honestly, I wish I could change that, but it would be even more weird now that the original change almost 16 years ago. So, I will remain John for the time being.
It also got me thinking about the identities I use for the many places I visit online. I spent a lot of time being sycarion to my gaming friends, pinakidion to my religious friends outside the ICoC, John to everyone else. I also spent a lot of time keeping those identities separate. I didn’t change personalities, but I felt like my gaming friends weren’t into religion and my religious friends were not into gaming.
Now, I just don’t feel the need to be separate. I am a religious person and a spiritual person. I hold to certain beliefs that are considered fundamentalists by some. I also love games. I enjoy role-playing games. I love to create worlds with what I perceive was the same deliberation and care as Tolkien did.
I am also a father of a hard-of-hearing child. I am a husband to a very loving and devoted wife. I am a man wrapped around the pinki of my little girl.
It’s time for all of these things to converge because all of these things make up who I am.
The original goal was to be a writing tablet for my thoughts, hence the name. My thoughts went to some dark and lonely places over the years. I never imagined that I would get the attention I did. Still, I said what I needed to say. In retrospect, I was too mild in some of my criticisms of the ICoC. I was too slow to admit some of my errors. I regret some of the more childish things I did in the name of some sense of righteous indignation. To be certain, it was an eventful journey.
A couple weeks ago, I met a young man who is a member in another state. A group of college students came here on their Spring Break to ‘evangelize’ a local campus. Talking to him, I realized that despite certain amounts of ‘filtering’ and even spin, some of the next generation really get it. I am still encouraged by “Unconferences” and online meetups and active social projects by younger people. I realized that things will be different in the next few years no matter what.
I really look forward to it.
With all that said, there’s no place for pinakidion, a voice of the opposition anymore. That time is gone. Now there is time for me, John Payne, to be a writer, gamer, father, Christian, and faithful son. A part of that is changing this place to be a place for all my writing. Another part of that is being my real name here instead of the worst-kept secret identity. To do those two things, a different community needs to visit here.
Vive la difference!
I’ll miss calling you Pink!
But I think it’s a healthy decision.
btw – I couldn’t help but think while reading your post about folks I’ve known with Multiple Personality Disorder (I’ve known more than one). Their personality fragments into different ‘personalities’ to handle certain parts of the person’s life because that’s the only way they can at the time due to whatever. The personalities protect the person from further trauma,etc. Therapy hopefully unfragments the person and they can function as themselves (a person with many aspects but all within the person – not as other personalities).
Maybe there’s an ‘online’ MPD version – LOL. But it just sounds like you’ve ‘come together’ to who John Payne really is. Good for you!
And shoot – it had to be a hassle to keep up with all those other names!!!
Glad to see you here again, and I’m looking forward to seeing what this will become.
BTW – I like the new look.
You’ll always be John PinkBear to me, buddy!!
I kid because I love!
Seriously, Dude, come to NC. It’s boring as crap around here…
“John PinkBear”
Wow – the ‘Build the Bear’ folks would love it. Hey – do they have them in Omaha? Maybe you could do a fundraiser for the hard of hearing – the John PinkBear bear.
I’m telling you – I think it would work.
I would buy a John Pinkbear (particularly if the money went to a good cause). I would think fondly of my time at NC State everytime I looked at it.
good post by the way.
You know, I had to say goodbye, too. No more alter ego to the alter ego.
FWIW, I need to make some John Pinkbears with proceeds going towards a trip for my family to visit NC.
That’s funny – I don’t think I thought of “Pinakidion” as a “voice of the opposition”. You didn’t exactly oppose everything ICOC, probably because not everything ICOC needed or needs opposition. But, since you saw that as its Identity, I’m glad you feel you can leave it behind. “A Voice Of Opposition” as an Identity, that is. Without knowing you other than through what you’ve written online over the years, I don’t think that ever really defined who you were.
Voice of the Opposition is a label that was given to me. I left some things out of the post, so I see where I didn’t state it correctly.
Some literature out of Muslim countries talk about a Hizb al-Shaitan (Party of Satan). In one book whose name escapes me, the ‘elected’ leader of the country creates a Party of Satan to be the opposition. He renames his own party, the Party of God. He then boasts about his openness because he dares to speak to the evil party of Satan about matters of state.
In some ways, I feel like that much of my time from 2003-2006 was spent as a delegate of the so-called party of Satan to various conferences and leaders of the so-called party of God. Sometimes I invited the opportunities, other times I didn’t. At times, there was this sense of “I talked to this pinakidion guy, I think we’re okay.” or “I talked to him and he hasn’t repented yet.” I especially remember all the efforts to demonstrate that I either was not interested in Biblical reconciliation or in some kind of sin against a big leader, my church, or the ICoC as a whole. I know I wasn’t the only one. (In fairness, some of the conversation actually turned out to be productive.)
Now that everything has pretty much played itself out, I’m just not interested in ICoC stuff outside my congregation anymore. I’ve said all I can say about ICoC stuff. In the future, some of the stuff I said will prove to be right, some of it will prove to be wrong. Personally, I saw myself as someone that cared a great deal. Now I don’t care much because there is little I can do. Instead, I care about the things I can do.
@mark: Thanks, BTW, for your response. There was a time when being pin’k was my identity and it was tempting for it to become who I was. I’m glad I didn’t end up doing ICoC News or going into the ministry or a host of other things. I feel like more myself than I have since I went off the college at 17. It’s a happy time.