However, it occurs to me that I am quite simply trying to chase my dreams instead of God’s. This isn’t a guilt thing at all, just a sober assessment. I’ve said it before (but can’t find the post at the moment) that a lot of my life has been a series of decisions I thought were made for God, but were really made for my own happiness. A recent sermon echoed this thought; maybe God isn’t blessing your dreams because they’re yours and not God’s. Trust me, it wasn’t the kind of sermon that said “God’s dreams = world evangelisation in one generation” In some ways, it was the opposite, and that was encouraging. It made me think that I can dream for so-called spiritual things again. My life doesn’t have to be a gaming project, a writing project, a computer project, home-schooling the children and managing a house.

What do I dream of? I dream of peace. I dream of a group of people saying that it was only God that brought a divided neighborhood together instead of a snowstorm, a murder, an accident, or some other tragedy. I dream of being able to read the Bible and hear God’s voice and not my own or the voices of the past. (This goes back to my Pat Robertson days, not just the ICoC.)

Outside of that, I want to sit down and dream. Will there be an unconference online? Will there be a coming together of the lost generation? Will there be a book table at my local church? I’d love to run one.

What is possible? I’m sure that lots of things are possible beyond my meager imaginings.

Still. I want him to know that it is a godly thing to have people over to your house to talk about God. I want him to see church as a community, not a Sunday/Wednesday place we go to.

My wife encouraged me to have people over to just read the Bible. That is what helps me most, discussing the Bible. Here is a passage, what do you think it says? What does it mean to you? How does this fit into the context of Christian belief? You get the idea. I have a good friend that will do that with me, but I still hope for a group to do it.

It’s not a replacement for the small group I’m in – that’s not the point. The small group I’m in is very supportive and encouraging to me. I am loved and I can express love back. I don’t want to replace them at all.

As much as I want it to be for my son, I can’t shake that this is really for me. Truth is, it probably is just for me. My wife says that is not a bad thing. She trusts my heart that I am looking for ways to enjoy my Bible again. She trusts that I am not out to have an evangelistic Bible Talk complete with visitors, studies, potentials and plans to touch the hearts of frequent attendees in a way to push them to ‘study the Bible’.

I want the group to actually study the Bible.

In some ways, it seems like this dream from almost four years ago is about to become reality. All of this is certainly in God’s hands.

What does the future hold? I am eager to find out.

1. I am reading instead of writing.
2. My faith has been in a holding pattern for a long time.

As you probably know, I enjoy games quite a bit. I love them and I love designing them. As a part of my son’s homeschooling, I make a game with him based on the topics he learned that day. It doesn’t give make an inventive game, but it is fun for both of us.
Anyway, I find myself perpetually reading other people’s thoughts on games without adding my own. Worse yet, I take too much time to read and not enough time to create. It’s a form of procrastination, I know.
As far as my faith goes, that is more difficult to summarize.
Many times I feel like I am a walking example of Eccl 7:3. I have a sad face because I feel sad more than I care to admit. I feel sad about many things in life (not just mine), relationships, and faith. In my head, these three aspects of living are not separate, but in my heart, they feel miles apart.
I feel lonely and I blame schedule sometimes. My kids do not sleep until 9:30pm, I am always behind in my chores, at least two medical appointments a week for some member of the family, etc. The truth is, though, is that I put other things in my life ahead of dealing with this feeling. Other things feel more important like emotional support for my wife, time with family, etc. I may talk more about that later.
But this lonely feeling – more than feeling set apart, but also feeling isolated – is not limited to flesh and blood. I feel lonely because in some ways I miss God. I used to feel like He talked to me all the time, not I feel like we are both just really busy, but try to connect on Twitter when we can.
I read what He writes, but because I am not Twitter friends with all His Twitter friends, some of the context is lost.
If God has a twitter page, I image some of the archives would look like this. I mention these examples as a shorthand of how I am tempted to misinterpret certain events of the Bible.

@Job I won’t say why all this happened to you. Where were you when the universe was created?
@BarakDaJudge This is the second time, will you trust me this time?
@all @SaulDaFirstKing has been unfriended. It’s the way it had to be.
@Jesus For the last time, No. Take the cup. BTW they are all asleep and really sad.
@Paul My grace is sufficient for you. That thing you always ask about will always be there.

If you are thinking of those God billboards right now, you and I are on the same wavelength.

Anyway, for me, I keep remembering the last thing I believed was really from Him.
@pinakidion What you want requires work, but you are not willing to put in the effort. Still love you. DM me.

Of course, He is right. I want something that requires a lot of work, a relationship with Him. I want it to be easy, but it will never be that way. I need to struggle with doubt and fear. I need to work through mistrust. I need to store up good things in my heart. I need to continue reading the Bible until I hear His voice, and not the voices of other people. I need to wrestle with my almost automatic ability to be incredibly self-deceived.
So where does that leave me? Isolated. Will I put in the effort? I feel like Barak standing on the high ground looking down at a vastly superior army. They have numbers, technology, and training. There is no reason to believe that the Israelites will win except that, for the second time, Barak is being asked to lead God’s people to victory.
There was a moment where Barak trusted and he led the army down the hills against the enemy. They won.

That moment of trust has not occurred for me yet. I hope it happens soon.

Stop at the Scenic Cafe to eat. It is wonderful. It’s the first seafood that I’ve eaten in a restaurant in forever. The herring was good.

The theme is better suited for writing and reading serials. Anyone else that wants to contribute certainly can.

Many other ‘sister’ sites are on the way back as well. This helps to organize and clean up my FTP space in a big way.

Skype is the next best thing. We can see each other. I can give a tour of the house. I can even show off the new vegetable garden.

My wife believes in stretching out a holiday that occurs on a Sunday to span the entire weekend. This means that Father’s day is a weekend event, including Friday night. It has been a wonderful weekend so far. I look forward to sharing with Dad everything from Friday and Saturday.

Friday was my son’s last day of preschool and a Father’s day celebration. I took the day off to visit. We had ice cream from the ice cream truck and he made a mug for me. He asked me if I would drink my tea with it…

If I had a camera, you’d see me drinking from it.

Happy Father’s Day – I really hope that your Father’s day is a good one.

Last Wednesday, I came face to face with the most important definition – what it means to me. Once all the argumentation and debate is over, it comes down to a choice. It’s one of those Joshua-esque “as for me and my household” type of moments. When confronted with my own sin, how will I repent?

The lesson was about openness. I have to disclose that I was stretching my legs in the pew, looking to make a speedy exit. It wasn’t because I was afraid of the topic – it was due, in part, to a promise I made myself sometime ago.

I said to myself that I would not be party to a good ol’ confession session any more. I said that I would not let anyone be harmed by these types of meetings, most of all me. I didn’t want to know other people’s sin – it is too tempting to pass judgment. Unless you sin against me, I don’t have any business knowing about it unless you willingly choose to tell me.

That was my promise anyway. I ended up breaking it and I told everyone that I was doing it. You see, I was sinning against the entire assembly, so it was everyone’s business to know my heart – I was sinning directly against them.

I attend church in a place full of very caring people. When my then fiancee moved here, a family kept her in their home free of charge for several months until we were married. When I lived in a very bad neighborhood, it seemed like the entire assembly helping my family move. Many gave money for my son’s hearing aid on two separate occasions. I am allowed to teach adult Bible classes on Sunday mornings with no review of my material – I am trusted completely.

Yet.

I did not trust my brothers and sisters. I said that I loved them, but I have been afraid that some unseen force would turn them away from the safe place I’ve known for the past seven years. It’s one thing to be vigilant and guard against those that would pervert justice and God’s mercy – our battle is not against flesh and blood. But I made the battle about flesh and blood. In my arrogance, I sat in judgment of everyone deeming them a contamination risk to my faith.

I had no reason for this judgment.

The question the minister asked that night wasn’t “what is your sin”. The question he asked was “what would you not want this group to know?”

I have other sins. I sin against my family. I omit things from my life that I know are godly. I lie. Those are things that do not bother me for anyone to know. I am ashamed of them, but I’ve confessed personal sin for so long to perfect strangers, that it just doesn’t phase me to say any of it publicly. It’s not a demonstration of any kind of faith, it is inurement to feeling anything at the loss of boundaries.

No, I didn’t want people that trusted me to know that I didn’t trust them back. I apologized and I meant it.. As you would expect from anyone wearing the name Christian – I was immediately embraced and shown continued love. I am truly thankful for being with such godly people.

Repentance. What does it mean to me? It used to mean the process by which others deemed you broken enough. (Broken enough for what, I do not know.) Repentance goes beyond some feeling or evaluation. Repentance means to stop hurting people, even if you didn’t intend it and even if they didn’t notice it.

Multi-site seems to work, I’ll let you know.

Anyway, until then, the big changes are on hold.