I would provide a link to this site, but it is down, so I include the entire text. This was written by a member of a discipling/shepherding church in defense of discipling.
Authority
The critics feel that the shepherding/discipleship paradigm in (church name deleted -.Ed) is fostering an abusive environment. They feel that church leaders ought to be accountable to others for their conduct. But wait. Certainly there ought to be discipline in the church. Certainly people in authority should not bend to the opinion of men, but be accountable to God and submitted to him. This needs some further explanation. Let me explain how this works by using the parent-child relationship as a model.
In Christ, a church is a family (Mat 12:49-50). And within this family, we have spiritual fathers and mothers, like pastors, elders and various leaders (1Co 4:15; 1Jn 2:13). Paul even described his disciples as sons (Phm 10; 1Ti 1:2, 18; 2Ti 1:2, 2:1; Php 2:22; Tit 1:4). He says words like, “To Timothy my true son in the faith…” Now, a parent’s job is not just to nurture children, but to also discipline them (Pro 13:24; 19:18; 22:15; 23:13-14; 29:15,17). As a child grows up, he needs less nurturing and more discipline. The same is true for spiritual children, those who have not yet reached spiritual maturity. The discipline they need does not seem pleasant (Heb 12:9-11). Allow me to illustrate my point using the mother eagle:
A mother eagle builds her nest by first using material that is not soft, like thorns and branches. Then on top of it, she puts the softer material such as wool and feathers. When her eaglets reach flying age, she removes the soft top lining of the nest, exposing the sharp, jagged material underneath. This helps her young eaglets to leave the comfort of the nest and move on to independence.
In a similar way, a parent’s love must switch from being soft and nurturing to being tough and disciplining. This “switching” also happens in (church name deleted -.Ed) . Initially, a new (church name deleted -.Ed) member is praised and encouraged and may be put on a pedestal and put at the center of attention. Later, a spiritual parent (the shepherd) will gradually give correction, rebuke, and training to help the person repent of sin. Critics think that this switching proves that the nurturing love was insincere and that it was “love bombing”. This is not so. It is with Christ’s love and with sincerity that a new member is loved. Critics also allege that the discipline in (church name deleted -.Ed) is spiritual abuse and abuse of authority. This is not so. Godly love disciplines. And to withhold this discipline is not love (Pro 13:24). Out of this love, a spiritual parent gives rebuke and discipline and does so even at the risk of being misunderstood.
To whom is a leader accountable? Well, first, what accountability system do we see in the Bible circumscribing the authority of parents? There is none! Of course, parents are forbidden from exasperating or embittering their children (Col 3:21; Eph 6:4). Nevertheless, by the fifth commandment, parents are to be honored by their children unconditionally. Biblicly, parents answer to no man for their parenting performance. Rather, their eye is to be on pleasing the Lord Jesus and they are to be submitted to his lordship. The same is true for spiritual parents. Heb 13:17 says, “Obey your leaders and submit to their authority. They keep watch over you as men who must give an account. Obey them so that their work will be a joy, not a burden, for that would be of no advantage to you.” This states that leaders are accountable to the Lord. It states that they are to be obeyed. No conditions or limitations apply.
However, there is one limitation to the authority of physical and spiritual parents. That limitation is alluded to in Mat 10:37, “Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me.” This makes it clear that, when there is a clear conflict between the commands of parents and the commands of the Lord, children must choose to obey the Lord (Acs 4:19). This flows also from the fact that the fifth commandment regarding human parents has four greater commandments preceding it regarding the Lord God.
But, on the other hand, this exception is not to be misused as a means to rebel against the authority of physical or spiritual parents. In Jesus’ day, people were using the corban rule to get around the fifth commandment. “Corban” means a gift or sacrificial offering. The corban rule allowed anything to be dedicated to God by pronouncing it “corban”. In Mk 7:10-13, Jesus spoke against the Pharisees for teaching people to exempt themselves from obeying the 5th commandment through the Corban rule:
“For Moses said, `Honor your father and your mother,’ and, `Anyone who curses his father or mother must be put to death.’ But you say that if a man says to his father or mother: `Whatever help you might otherwise have received from me is Corban’ (that is, a gift devoted to God), then you no longer let him do anything for his father or mother.” Thus you nullify the word of God by your tradition that you have handed down. And you do many things like that."
Here, Jesus says that, under the fifth commandment, parents are to be obeyed. To disobey them in the name of obeying God is to nullify the word of God. Thus, it is rebellion against God.
Practical Implications How does all this apply to you, dear reader, in your relationship with your spiritual parents in the Lord? Paul writes in Col 3:20, “Children, obey your parents in everything, for this pleases the Lord.” Here, “in everything” means in everything. The aim is pleasing the Lord, not men.
If your spiritual leader seems to make a mistake and tells you to do something that is not fitting, must you still obey? Perhaps the better question to ask yourself first, is why you cannot trust your leader. Surely parents understand more than children. They usually know what is best. But perhaps you feel that this is not a trust issue. If so, then you must first seriously evaluate your relationship with the Lord. When your relationship with the Lord is distant, he may seem like an oppressive dictator who wants to rob you of freedom. What pleases him displeases you. Then, everyone who speaks from God’s point of view seems the same way, making you feel sensitive and burdened. If your parents make you feel this way, it is maybe a warning sign about your spiritual status. Please repent your sins. Seek the Lord’s counsel by having regular daily devotional time. But, above all, do not stuff your feelings down. The critics are full of anger and bitterness, claiming they were repeatedly abused by “authoritarian leaders” in (church name deleted -.Ed) . There is no excuse for this as Christians. These emotions are spiritually deadly. We must deal with such feelings in the Lord. We must put them to death!
Each person in the church is a part of a family with a duty to “love one another” (Jn 13:34, 15:12,17). Along with this, comes the responsibility to bear the sins of your fathers and mothers in the Lord. Yes, (church name deleted -.Ed) leaders are not always right. They can make critical mistakes, especially when it comes to delicate matters like helping people to repent. (But I deny the allegations made my (church name deleted -.Ed) critics.) Your duty is to honor your spiritual parents by trying as much as possible to trust their integrity and to put the best construction on even the wrongs they have done – yes, to even cover over their mistakes and sins (1Pe 4:8; Jn 13:14). As Gideon Klijian has pointed out, Canaan dishonored his father by broadcasting his father’s shameful naked condition to his brothers (Gen 9:22). This is what critics of (church name deleted -.Ed) have done on their websites. They say all kinds of negative, sick things about (church name deleted -.Ed) leadership in the hopes of poisoning your mind. You, in Jesus, have the power not to do what they do, but rather overcome hurt feelings and forgive and love and honor your leaders, remembering the good things they have done for you. Shouldn’t children be thankful for their parents? Yes, children certainly owe a great debt of love and thanks (Ro 13:8) to their parents for all they have done. They owe even loyalty.