I cannot sleep again. A series of events have placed two thoughts in my mind that I do not want there.
Some people desire their own destruction. My church home no longer feels safe for me.
I have talked over the past three years with people that truly want to follow Kip. I keep asking why, thinking that if I ask enough questions that I will somehow understand.
Truth is, I am still trying to understand. I do not get the appeal. I do not know how two letters written by so many authors can be ignored. I do not know how you can split a church without splitting a church. I do not know how he can tell everyone what to do, but his own rules do not apply to him. I really thought that I could at least see their perspective or something. I suppose that I am again foolishly naive.
It doesn’t make any difference, though, what others experience. Some people just have to repeat the same mistakes in order to understand. They will not listen to reason, personal experience, or anything else. The only thing that seems to be real is their own experience.
Specifically, you demonstrate the history of the Shepherding Movement - everyone that has attempted one-on-one mentoring/training/discipling/encouraging has abandoned the idea. Why? It has always devolved into an abusive system, despite all the best intentions. Point this out and the answer is, “Well we are going to be different.”
You try a teach a hermenuetic that provides historical context. You demonstrate that a religious practice is not the same as a religious doctrine. You show that they are reading things into the Bible that simply are not there. You even try linguistic arguments and practical arguments and thought exercises and outside perspectives. The answer is, “but it is Biblical.”
Well, I’ve had enough. This Don Quixote is hanging up the lance.
Everything within me says that I cannot stay in a place where I no longer feel safe. I feel safe with certain people, but I am now nervous about being in certain settings. I do not want to be a party to something I think is wrong, even if I am given the option of not participating. It’s not just a fear, but a feeling of accepting a practice that has proven destructive in the past.
There has simply GOT to be another way, and I cannot shake the feeling that it is easier to stop looking than to simply do what we’ve always done, but in a nicer way.
The issue is that my wife and I disagree about this. She is trying to reassure me that everything is going to be okay, and that is fine. But I no longer want to be here. I want to be in a church environment where I am not reminded of a destructive practice. I want my feeling of safety back.
I have good friends that are a part of this church and I do not want to be apart from them. I’m sure they will tell me that I am playing the victim to my past and that I will heal in time.
THIS IS NOT ABOUT MY PAST - this is about the future I promised my son when he was born. I promised him that he would learn about the discipling movement from a theology class in high school, not from personal experience. I told him he would be free in Christ, not minded by well-intentioned friends. I promised him that no one would make him second guess his walk with God. I told him that he did not have to do anything to be loved by me or God.
I’m going to go away for a while and wrestle with God. Then I’ll be able to talk to people. Right now I believe that my church friends will convince me to stay, my other Christian friends will convince me to leave - and those assumptions are not fair to anyone. So, no ICoC subculture posts from me for a while. Maybe no posts at all. This is really bothering me.
To be fair to my church, this was presented in the nicest, most sincere, and attempting-to-meet -the-needs-of-hurting-people way possible. There was no malice nor ill intent. Options were given, grace was freely offered. There was absolutely no threat of any kind.
I simply feel a breach of conscience to be a part of a church that has ’encouragement partners’ or ‘prayer partners’ or whatever you call them.
And I have to go pray…