What a bitter disappointment!
I was expecting a lesson from Gregg and looking forward to more insights about worship and Ordo and other things. I forgot about the fucking Jubilee this weekend. Turns out that tonight was a retelling of Frank Kim’s main message. I couldn’t believe it, some ill-informed Old Testament decontextual tale about God saving his movement. UGH! AND I ONLY CAUGHT THE LAST TEN MINUTES!
Yes, the two greatest commandments were taught and I thought, “finally, something that doesn’t end with Matt 28:18-20. No, I was wrong. It was presented as fulfilling the ’love your neighbor’ scripture. UGH! Double Ugh! Then there was the sharing about not inviting the cashier from the grocery store. UGH! UGH! UGH!
What a waste! I felt like it was a waste of time, energy, and effort to go. I should’ve just stayed at home. I should’ve known - maybe not. Still, I wish I had’ve known. I would’ve been sick. UGH!
Afterwards, I talked about job stuff and I said some things I wish I hadn’t. I felt like the dam broke and all my frustrations about the house, work, my weight, and everything just came out in a haze. UGH! It hurt my feelings that my friend suggested that Laryssa needs to return to work. I thought, GREAT! Now it’s my dad AND my friend telling me this crap. UGH!
Then we somehow got onto church stuff and I kept talking when I didn’t want to. UGH! UGH! UGH! I kept screaming at myself to shut up, but it came pouring out. I couldn’t stop it and I felt so stupid and ashamed.
On top of that, I got home late, which I didn’t want. Just wasted time trying to talk to a friend.
I prayed, but there’s nothing happening when I do. I’m just frustrated and tired. I wish all the church crap was gone and I could just stay home and clean the house and write and just be left alone.
I miss being happy. I feel like I’m falling apart and I’m alone. Why am I charging at windmills? It does no good. I wish I could just be like everyone else and not think about these church things. I wish I could just trust like others seem to do. I wish I could not get angry at those that feel like we should return to what we were (in whatever degree).