In 30 days, a lot can happen. If anything, I’ve learned that about six folks I know visit here periodically. How cool is that?

Since Sept 5, I have not felt too motivated to write much of anything. My wife planned Deaf Hispanic Day, and it went well. The state wants it to be an annual event. Brother Bear turns three, soon. He is talking, signing, and fingerspelling. As we head into our first IEP, there are certain issues that are good to have. He’s a smart boy, a very smart boy. We had a parent workshop that was really good and completely Non-ICOC. It was very encouraging to me and my wife. Our 4th Anniversary is near the end of the month. Hard to believe that we have only been married for 4 years. In a good way, it feels like 30.

In a troubling economy, I work in a public company. My job is more secure than many, but I still want to prove valuable in order to avoid the worst. By taking a Help Desk job instead of a developer job in 2002, I’ve lost my specialty. I cannot get paid my current salary going anywhere else. Still, I am grateful that I have a reliable job that starts at 8 and ends at 4:30. I get to be home and with my family.

Many things are going well.

However, I am finding that I cannot hear God anymore. For years now, I hear the voices of men when I read the Bible. I hear my own voice many times and like to attribute it to God. I have not given up the faith, but I have a real problem. The faith I have feels like it is a stapled-on addition.

I thought that working through circumstances around Baby Bear’s birth would free that up. I thought that working through marital issues would help. I thought that taking a few days of just me and God would help. Yet, I am beginning to lose hope that I will ever hear his voice again.

I have tried begging Him, I have tried screaming at Him, I have tried walking away from Him, I have tried everything I can think of. I have tried therapy, the direct approach, the indirect approach, giving me some time, giving Him some time, prayer, fasting, isolation, group activities, etc. etc. etc.

Despite all of this, there is no answer. It’s been so long, I am not even upset anymore. I have just accepted it as what I can only guess is what I must do in this life.

Yet, I just cannot let go. God was real once. It was undeniable and it was not ICoC. God was with me and I knew it. In some way, God is still with me, but for reasons that I cannot understand, He just doesn’t say anything.

Some have told me that Satan has confused me in that I can no longer read the Bible without hearing God. Some have advised that I “try the Holy Spirit”. Others had noted a lack of discipleship partner, while others have chided me for my lack of outward focus. I’m certain you have your ideas as well, but I would not like to have advice right now. Seriously, I love you all, but don’t offer me advice, please.

I do not need to be fixed.

God has always had a purpose for pain. In many ways, it provides gravitas to the one that suffers. I get asked to be on government committees and speak to families. It’s not because I’m a great person, it’s because of some painful circumstances in my life. There is something that cannot be answered when a person that ‘has been there’ speaks on a topic.

There are notable characters in the Bible that went through much worse ordeals than me. In the end, their words and thoughts were recorded. We can thank the trials of Paul for having much of the NT. Maybe our brothers were afraid at first, but after being stoned and imprisoned a few times, there’s not much to argue against.

Why all of this? I guess I won’t post regularly after all. I do not feel like I have much to write at the present time. I’m sure I will in the future, just not now. I do not enjoy ICoC subculture. I do not enjoy being a Christian and a Democrat when all I get is “HOW CAN YOU VOTE FOR SOMEONE THAT ESPOUSES THE MURDER OF CHILDREN?!?!?!” as if I am Hitler come back from the grave. I don’t have the energy to write about the cool things my children do, though I wish I did. Both of them can tell some great stories.

All of it comes to a difficulty of faith. I won’t let go when everything in my mind says that it is already gone. Until something changes in that space. All of us will just have to wait and pray I guess.