It’s not so much the lack of time that prevents me from updating anymore. Two other things contribute more to a lack of posting that anything related to schedule. Those two factors are:
- I am reading instead of writing.
- My faith has been in a holding pattern for a long time.
As you probably know, I enjoy games quite a bit. I love them and I love designing them. As a part of my son’s homeschooling, I make a game with him based on the topics he learned that day. It doesn’t give make an inventive game, but it is fun for both of us.
Anyway, I find myself perpetually reading other people’s thoughts on games without adding my own. Worse yet, I take too much time to read and not enough time to create. It’s a form of procrastination, I know.
As far as my faith goes, that is more difficult to summarize.
Many times I feel like I am a walking example of Eccl 7:3
. I have a sad face because I feel sad more than I care to admit. I feel sad about many things in life (not just mine), relationships, and faith. In my head, these three aspects of living are not separate, but in my heart, they feel miles apart.
I feel lonely and I blame schedule sometimes. My kids do not sleep until 9:30pm, I am always behind in my chores, at least two medical appointments a week for some member of the family, etc. The truth is, though, is that I put other things in my life ahead of dealing with this feeling. Other things feel more important like emotional support for my wife, time with family, etc. I may talk more about that later.
But this lonely feeling – more than feeling set apart, but also feeling isolated – is not limited to flesh and blood. I feel lonely because in some ways I miss God. I used to feel like He talked to me all the time, not I feel like we are both just really busy, but try to connect on Twitter when we can.
I read what He writes, but because I am not Twitter friends with all His Twitter friends, some of the context is lost.
If God has a twitter page, I image some of the archives would look like this. I mention these examples as a shorthand of how I am tempted to misinterpret certain events of the Bible.
@Job I won’t say why all this happened to you. Where were you when the universe was created?
@BarakDaJudge This is the second time, will you trust me this time?
@all @SaulDaFirstKing has been unfriended. It’s the way it had to be.
@Jesus For the last time, No. Take the cup. BTW they are all asleep and really sad.
@Paul My grace is sufficient for you. That thing you always ask about will always be there.
If you are thinking of those God billboards right now, you and I are on the same wavelength.
Anyway, for me, I keep remembering the last thing I believed was really from Him.
@pinakidion What you want requires work, but you are not willing to put in the effort. Still love you. DM me.
Of course, He is right. I want something that requires a lot of work, a relationship with Him. I want it to be easy, but it will never be that way. I need to struggle with doubt and fear. I need to work through mistrust. I need to store up good things in my heart. I need to continue reading the Bible until I hear His voice, and not the voices of other people. I need to wrestle with my almost automatic ability to be incredibly self-deceived.
So where does that leave me? Isolated. Will I put in the effort? I feel like Barak standing on the high ground looking down at a vastly superior army. They have numbers, technology, and training. There is no reason to believe that the Israelites will win except that, for the second time, Barak is being asked to lead God’s people to victory.
There was a moment where Barak trusted and he led the army down the hills against the enemy. They won.
That moment of trust has not occurred for me yet. I hope it happens soon.
