It has been almost 18 months. A lot has happened.
One of the best things to happen was that my CPAP machine was recalibrated. I have alept well for 6 nights in a row. That is the most I have slept in years.
The odd thing is that I am aware of my nightly dreams again. It has been so long, I had forgotten what it was like.
Since I remember my dreams now, I feel at peace. Biologically, I know that my brain is finally sorting out the days’ events and processing whatever thoughts and perceptions hurled themselves at me.
It feels good to have an unburdened mind.
In Joel 2:17 it says that in the last days, God will pour out his Spirit on his people so that even the old men will dream dreams again. I feel closer to this verse now than to the fevered and worried dreams for the past few years.
I am beginning to believe that a lot of my mental issues and stress were caused by a lack of brain processing and a severe aleep deficit. It would explain why I could never make much progress on the simplest question my therapist asked me.
Why are you here?
Don’t get me wrong, I still have much to work through. The biggest issue is being at peace with my past. Specifically this means the people I hurt and the doctrine I have since left behind. I feel good about now and I do not agonize nearly as much about the future or the past.
1 Peter 3:15 says to be prepared to give an answer to your hope. I am not in persecution like the audience of 1 Peter, but I do feel compelled to give a reason for what I believe and why. I believe some things that are fundamentally different than the doctrines of my denomination. Some would consider these disputable matters, others would not.
I do not feel threatened, nor do I feel ashamed.
May God answer my prayers for peace in my heart and help in knowing His will.