I truly believe that God is doing something wonderful in my life and moving me into the next major change in my walk with him.

Getting married is a large part of it, but not the only part of it.

Looking back at my last AG meeting, though, I don’t feel a sense of loss. The church voted on deacons that would take the place of some members of the AG. I was voted as one of those deacons, but I turned the nomination down. It was not at all because of my upcoming marriage, despite what others have said. It was because I am not objective with the needs of my congregation. I am still hurt my many things in my past and despite all kinds of study, counseling, and prayer, I am still very angry and very upset. I cannot talk about certain topics that are important without a major emotional reaction. Keeping that reaction under control is so draining that it takes away from my relationship with Laryssa and with God, himself.

I had promised myself some time ago that church would never get in the way of my relationships ever again and I was going back on that promise. The right course of action was clear, even though I didn’t want to admit it.

More importantly, when Laryssa and I started reading His Needs, Her Needs, it talked about doing things together and the dangers of leading markedly separate lives. The AG was something she could not share with me directly, because I was elected to the AG while I was single. It took me over a week to emotionally prepare for each meeting and a couple of days afterwards to overcome the intensity of it and the embarassment for feeling like I overreacted to how I thought the meeting would preside. Being new here, she wouldn’t have been nominated for AG in quite a while, if at all. I shared everything with her and she provided wonderful insight, but it was a once or twice a month three hour block of time where we had to be apart. In addition, it was something that dominated my thinking and energy for the better part of each month.

Therefore, in choosing between church and marriage, it was easy to choose my marriage. She would willingly be there for me because she loves me. She had even hoped to be at meetings with me. However, it’s just not worth it. Again, my relationships are more important than the church I attend. Besides, now I have the time and energy to devote to things I love and I can share with her: her writing, my teaching, and Clerry Computers.

As far as the meeting itself, well, this is one time I felt like I didn’t overreact, but I have to let go of the lonliness of being a minority of one. We are going to form small groups again, and due to the failure of voluntary methods to form them, the method is going to be somewhat arbitrary, but not 100% arbitrary. I know that small groups are not a bad thing and that it will help meet needs, but it just feels like we are going backwards and not forwards.

My only real objection is that all we know within the ICoC, no matter how progressive, is having small groups with leaders that report to group leaders that report to evangelists that report to the lead evangelist. Without very clear direction to the substance and polity of these groups, we will revert back to this. With all the good intentions in the world, we’ll go back to it because it is all we know how to do. Other churches have small groups, but if we don’t ask them how they do it, we’ll go back to what we used to have because it is all we know.

Unfortunately, I don’t know how to do it differently either, and it’s been almost two years since we have had arbitrary small groups. It feels like something needs to be done to help members of our chruch, and I would rather do something than do nothing. It’s all a part of taking risks and this is a TREMENDOUS risk.

I will not be a part of these small groups any time soon, but I support the decision of the AG to bring them back. I resent the forced nature of it and have grown accustomed to what I do now to help others and receive help from others. I remember much too strongly the misery of my previous small group experiences and I do not want to go back to it. I may simply attend church elsewhere – my memories of small group dynamics and polity are that strong and painful.

I have forgiven the men and women that were a part of it. When I remember these things, I do not conjure up any animosity towards an individual. I do not say, “I wish that So-and-So hadn’t done that!” My memories, pain, and grief of these experiences are more abstract than that. It is an unhealed wound and a malignant sadness. It is not the kind of soreness resulting from a healing muscle or ligament, it is a pain that comes from a direct injury to bone.

For that reason, I trust that it is healing, but it really doesn’t feel like it sometimes. I want to stop hurting and I want to go back to my life. Instead, I hurt and this is despite the fact that everything that can be done to treat it is being done. Ultimately, though, it just takes time and I’m afraid that I am too impatient. More specifically, I believe that it just shouldn’t take me this long to get over it. I wish that I could chart the progression of healing and at least see a positive direction. I wish I could honestly say that I am better than I was a year ago, two years ago, but I cannot express the differences.

Until that time, I keep going. God is with me, even when I am wrong. After all, he saved me when I fought against him directly, how much more will he do as I struggle to be close to Him? As I have written earlier, I am confident that He will point out my errors to me in many diverse ways. Like Abraham, I am not certain of my destination, but I know that somewhere along the journey, I will be changed.