‘Tis midnight and I cannot sleep. I’ve been an insomniac since I was a teenager. Sometimes its worse than others. Tonight, though, I should be okay in a little bit.

Just a follow up the this morning’s post, I can feel like that, but still act differently. It scares some I know that I can separate my emotions completely from what I’m doing – I think that’s what made me a good disciple(htdm) for so long. Believe me, Laryssa is helping me to stop doing that. For my own mental and spiritual health, I want to stop doing that. All it really does is buy me some time to function while I’m extremely stressed. You see, the cost of separating my feelings like that is that it manifests itself physically. Sometimes with severe acne, sometimes back pain, sinus headaches, always with no sleep. One time I even managed to jet my jaw stuck from grinding my teeth at night.

In short, I don’t feel anything lightly. My emotions have to come out. If I surpress it, it will manifest physically until I do. It’s actually one of the main reasons I started writing in the first place – my own emotional and mental health. Anyway, you’ll hear some sadness from time to time, thus I have a categories just for hurts. By writing it, I can deal with it much better and it doesn’t create physical side-effects.

Tonight’s message reminded me of why I stick around. I feel family at my church and I am willing to fight for it. We have a tremendous opportunity to undo so much, and it is already happening. Having deacons is scary, but I don’t think that the old leadership paradigm is anywhere in sight.