To say that yesterday was a difficult day would be litotes in the extreme. (Understatement, that is.)

I am still sorting through it. Here are the conclusions I’ve reached for now:

I may not post for a while – I need to wrestle through some things. If I do post, it will not be about the ICoC subculture. I have just had a few experiences recently that remind me I am more a part of this hollow subculture than I want to believe. I’m glad the Council of Nine isn’t going to report until next month, I do not think I could handle it.

I need to decide my relationship to the ICoC subculture pretty soon. I am afraid that I will simply choose to continue to be a participant because of my friends and long-time association. I am also afraid of walking away from it, because it may create turmoil within my family. This doesn’t mean just membership in my local church (but this is a real part of it), this means communication with pro-Kip folks, anti-Kip folks, who-is-Kip folks, and the folks on the periphery like the Churches of Christ, Independent Christian Chruches, and the Disciples of Christ. It means particpation on the Toronto International Christian Chruch forums and the Delphi Forums. It means my paid membership of Disciples Today. It means reading ICOC Blogspot and ICOCInfo and ICOCNews. It definitely means reading Upsidedown21 and various other ICoC congregational sites.

I feel very alone and very tired. I feel like I have just wasted my time for almost 15 years, especially the last 3.

My son, though, is a gift from God and I feel that very deeply. So is my wife. We can truly talk through anything. I have been blessed to be so loved by her and him. I told her I couldn’t sleep because I was troubled. She said, “I believe in you.”

As to what actually happened, I’ll talk more about that later as I work through it. As of right now, only my wife and two of my close friends really know.