The cardinal rule in arguing about religion is this:

Remember that you are always right because you have received your understanding directly from God.

As the Divine Oracle, though, you will have to deal with alternate intepretations of Scripture from time to time. Here are some guidelines that help point out the error of your day to day heretics.

1. Redefine key words. Go for the verb of the key sentence of a troublesome passage. Failing that, question the subject of this sentence. If the subject-verb relation is particularly strong, go after the prepositions.

2. Appeal to the Greek. God revealed his message to you in English, but that shouldn’t scare you away from intepreting the Greek as well. Point out that the heretic’s translation did not correctly translate key words. Plenty of scholars will back you up for the ‘correct’ translation (especially if God speaks to you in the King’s English).

Again, go for the verb of the key sentence first. Unlike English, you can argue about tense, mood, voice and person to give you more room. (Hint: Use aorist and middle voice liberally here.)

If you have to resort to the subject or object of the key sentence make sure you expound on the difficulties of noun declension and cases. Use words like genitive and dative.

If all else fails in English and Greek, argue the prepositions. In Greek, one preposition can mean so many things because they are defined more by context. If the preposition clearly means one thing, you can also resort to arguing context about the preposition. Volumes have been written about eis. Most heretics will not respect you for resorting to arguing about prepositions, but it is an unassilable position. Use this sparingly and only when your would-be heretic has made a good point.

3. Argue heremenutics – this is for your more educated heretic friends.

At a basic level, argue about their method of understanding God and the Bible. You may know that the entire Old Testament is an allegory, but your heretic friend may not. Point out to them that simply being dogmatic is the sign of a weak mind. If you, instead, favor a more literal approach, point out to your Calvinist friend that the Bible is straightforward and doesn’t require all that bothersome analysis and deduction. (For extra credit, you can also point out to your Arminian-Pelagiust friends that they are following the cult of pop psychology and/or the mystical mumbo-jumbo of a fourth century heretic.)

One tactic is to try explaining that one passage can only have one meaning and work through the troublesome passage using your hermenutic. Since your hermenutic gives you the right answer, their interpretation (and their hermenutic) are therefore wrong.

Another tactic is like the previous one where you work through a troublesome verse using your heretic friend’s hermenutic. (Say that three times fast.) As you do this, point out all the flaws in their particular approach.

The first three are qualitative approaches. However, the discrimating spokesperson for God does not always have time to discuss things in a more-or-less intelligent fashion. After all, with Boar’s Head Tavern, Thinklings, Credenda Agenda, Internet Monk, and Pinakidion.* around, you have plenty of examples on how to be a Christian and still be rude, condescending, petty, and even downright nasty. Tune in next week for techniques that will help you point out your heretic friend’s error and convince them that they are proceeding directly to Hell after death (do not pass Go, do not collect $200).