The last deprogramming really was an attempt at reprogramming me. This time, though, I wasn’t alone. There was an huge atmosphere of fear and dread and all my friends were scared to death. I tried to tell myself that I wasn’t, but after talking to some that had been through it, I did every kind of stalling you can imagine.
Are You Really My Disciple?
Salt is good, but if it loses its saltiness, how can it be made salty again? It is fit neither for the soil nor for the manure pile; it is thrown out. He who has ears to hear, let him hear.
The new evangelist was in town and he wanted to make some changes. Every member of the church was going to have a “repentance talk”. The expressed goal was to give an opportunity to deal with the rampant sin in the church with those most qualified to help. These talks were expressed in positive tones, but after each staff member had been through their talk, “repentance talks” were never mentioned in the pulpit. One staff member repented of being too prideful to admit he had hemmorhoids, others expressed their sin of not being evangelistic, while others went on to confess things grim and graphic. As more and more people had these talks, the size of the church shrank dramatically. I had friends that were asked to “sit out” so that they could draw closer to God. More and more people left the church and I was now afraid that I was going to be asked to leave as well.
Then the day finally came. Two chruch interns came to the house and we talked for several hours. I found out that the talk had only four points:
- Would I commit to reading the Bible everyday?
- Would I commit to reading the praying everyday?
- Would I commit to sharing my faith everyday?
- Would I commit to giving at least a tithe?(10% gross)
When I heard that, I thought I would be okay. I wanted to get help on the first two items and I had always given a tithe. I shared with people, but I wasn’t very good at it. I figured that we’d talk about that more. I was still quite nervous and I tried to pawn myself off as not needing much serious help, just needed to tweak some things in my character.
That was the wrong answer.
If I didn’t seem very serious, or some point needed to be made strongly, the question came back to “How can you treat the blood of Jesus so cheaply?”. We talked about a couple of hours about how I really didn’t love God because I only had three quiet times in two weeks. Sure I had prayed everyday, but my prayers were blocked because of my sin. I was arrogant and prideful to think that I was doing well with so few quiet times, they told me. Over and over, we went through the crucifixtion and how Jesus died for my sin. On top of that, I obviously didn’t love the lost enough to invite them to church. I didn’t love the mission and I wasn’t fulfilling my purpose. They asked me why I bothered calling myself a disciple – I obviously wasn’t one according to the Scriptures.
I was upset and I cried. One of the guys then accused me of being manipulative and said my tears were fake and he could tell. I asked them what they wanted me to do and they said that I should repent. I promised I would repent and begged them to finish. However, that was also the wrong answer and the breaking session started all over. They shared about their hideous sin and how they were cut and broken about their sin. After a while, they resorted to the ‘good cop, bad cop’ routine. One brother shared about how this talk had been hard for him and he shared his poetry. The other brother went through Galatians 5 and went through the sin study all over again. I had obviously sinned because I wasn’t fruitful, so they kept digging for more sin. They assured me that this was for my own good.
After another couple of hours, I gave up. I remember it very clearly. I took a deep breath and said that I was sorry to God for hurting him so much and that I just wanted to do what was right. I felt so devastated and humiliated. I knew that they were going to ask me to leave the church.
To my surprise, they didn’t. They gave me a hug and thanked me for listening. They said that they would pray for me. As I thought things were winding down, one of them said that he wanted to cover a few small things before he left. They were trivial, but then he said that I had a childish nickname and that I should be called by my real first name. I explained to them that my nickname was not childish, but a characterization of my struggle for life as a premature baby. I sensed however that the serious talk would begin again, so I conceded. The only thing I asked was that if I had to change my name, that I would rather be called by my middle name. They looked at each other and shrugged and said that it was okay. Besides, my middle name is Biblical and it was a good spiritual goal to try to be like the Apostle whose name I share.
I have been called John ever since. It is not my name, but it is how I am known and I have not been able to change it back for several years.
Unlike the first two, this is the deprogramming that affects me still. I reconciled with all others many years ago, even before it became fashionable in the post Henry Kreite renaissance. This, like the others had deprogramming content focusing on some truth, had some truth taken out of context (which makes it untrue) and had some outright fabrications. This one, though, still causes me to get upset all over again. I don’t dwell on it and I don’t like to think of it, but I am still honestly affected by this one. The first deprogramming robbed me of my faith, but I don’t regret it. I have received so much more in return, especially in faith. The second one robbed me of my family, but through the years, we have been able to heal and draw close together. I bear no hatred or anger towards my family at all. It is truly all in the past. The third one, though, robbed me of my dignity. The guys that led this talk have long since left. I’m sure that they regret it. I’ve spoken to the evangelist that ordered these talks, and he assures me that my talk was not what he had in mind. He apologized. We talked for some time about it. I don’t begrudge him for this at all.
I pray everyday to get past it and I try to not let the pain from this cause me to sin against others. I do not apologize, though, for not moving on, yet, even though I have spoken to all involved. I am faithful that this will not control my life, but I need more time – this is really hard to let go of. In any case, that’s the last one. Some concluding thoughts and then I’m done with the subject.