There are certain thoughts rattling around in my head that I just cannot shake. Maybe it is me being unfair, maybe I am totally inflexible. Worse yet, maybe I expect people to conform to my standards of spirituality (which may be extra-biblical at best).

1. Some people simply have to be told what to do.

It seems to be true in my experience. You place someone in an environment where they are expected to be responsible for their own spirituality and they do nothing. They are waiting to be told what to do. So a minister or other person sits down with them and explains good things to do and encourages the strengthening of their own personal convictions and makes it clear that they need to ‘go after’ their own spirituality.

After all that work, there is usually something like this conversation

Bill: “Okay, so what do you want me to do next week?”

*pause*

Ted: “What do you want to grow in?”
Bill: “I don’t know, what do you think would be good to grow in?”
Ted: “What do you think?”
Bill: “I just want input. Seeing as you are not me, I’d like objective input on where I am spiritually”
Ted: “That’s fine and I appreacite that, but first I’d like to have some ideas of where you want to grow.”

*pause*

Bill: “Why won’t you just tell me?”
Ted: “Because I am afraid that you are relying on me to make decisions that you need to make yourself.”

*pause*

Bill: “So you’re not going to tell me?”
Ted: “I will after you tell me what you want to grow in.”

*pause*

Bill: “I’l just go ask ———-, at least they will tell me what they think.”

That’s not a real conversation, but I’ve had conversations like that. It is frustrating that people that claim to be Christians for over a decade or more would be this way. A new person just out of the water, okay, I see that. But several years? What were they doing all this time?

2. A dog returns to its vomit

Memory is cheap, at least in the computer industry. In the area of human lives, though, it is precious. The Israelites began to long for Egypt when the going got tough in the desert. The cry went up that at least they had meat while in slavery.

That slavery, however, was quite brutal. They had to gather straw AND make a certain number of bricks. We’re talking hundreds of thousands of people trying to scarmble to gather straw and then run back to the brick molds and produce a certain number of bricks to avoid beatings. There was no rest every seventh day, this was everyday for the rest of your life.

So they go from this to having food literally fall out of the sky. They get to rest every seventh day. Still, there is a longing to return to the slavery of Egypt.

Human nature is to gravitate to familiarity. When something is new, it can be scary. At least there were ways of coping with the old abuse. It’s hard to think through the fact that the abuse should not be happening in the first place. Hey, I can be this way, too. It doesn’t make it any less difficult to wrestle with.

What does this have to do with anything? I desire on the part of members of the ICoC subculture for a return to the good ol’ days. Proverbs makes it clear that thinking the old days were better than these is not wise. People remember the baptisms, the excitement, the love, the happiness. It’s hard to remember the lack of sleep, the lack of freedom in the schedule, the phone calls about so-and-so not doing so well, the weird way we communicated with each other, etc. It’s also difficult to remember the complete lack of overall maturity.

Hey, I want the love to come back. I’ve noticed that it has ebbed as well. However, I believe that it was never really there in the first place. If given a choice and a group of people do not chooose to serve, it leads me to believe that any previous act of serving was prompted by something other than the overflow of their heart.

Seriously, this is not about my experiences, it is about the hundreds of others’ experiences related to me by email, conversation, and observation. As far as what happened to me, I talked to all involved and I am at peace with those things. Without those events, I do not like to think about the arrogant, self-destructive, hateful, alienated shell of a person I’d be today.

3. There are people saved outside the ICoC, but they are apparently too stupid to be of any help.

Not much here, how many leaders have looked outside the ICoC circle for help? Moreover, how many congregations are doing things with a non-ICoC congregation? Not many.

4. If you repeat a false statement often enough, it is still not true.

5. The words you use determine your thoughts.

There is a reason that I use the phrase ICoC subculture. The definition of subculture is:

an ethnic, regional, economic, or social group exhibiting characteristic patterns of behavior sufficient to distinguish it from others within an embracing culture or society (a criminal subculture)

Whether or not a person is a member of an ICoC congregation, there are definite characteristic patterns of behavior. These patterns are quite distinct from the rest of the culture we live in. Some of these patterns are good – Christians should be counterculture in some ways. Some of these patterns are ridiculuos and unhealthy.

Any long-time member has a certain vocabulary that has meaning only within the context of the ICoC. Here’s a short list of codewords: disciple, awesome, wooden spoon, seeking first the kingdom, deny yourself, prideful, independent, bro, sis, impurity, studies, commitments, possibles, back-burner folks, flat(used to express the superlative), discipling, advice, quiet time…

Anyone can recognize a member of the ICoC subculture by overhearing a conversation. They could also be recognized by several other factors – our enforced uniformity (or at best homogeny) from LA on down the chain made sure that we were very distinct. As early as 1987, Flavil Yeakley, Jr. did an informal study of the Boston Church of Christ. He found that after a few years, members tended to become ESFJ on the Myers-Briggs scale the longer they were a member. When presented with this fact, one of the elders suggested that Jesus was ESFJ.

In any case, I deliberately use certain words and phrases because of unique perspectives of certain things. I use subculture because it is a reminder that we (I’m still a part of the ICoC subculture) are very distinct from those around us. I refer to the Worldwide Leadership Conferences as MOAC (Mother of All Conferences) because it reminds me of the Iraqi claims that the first Gulf war would be “the Mother of all battles”. Is it derogatory? If you think so, that’s you – my label has to do with overblown hype and the bizarre need for each successive conference to be ten times better than the last one. When the conferences change, my label will change. I refer to pre-HKL life in the ICoC as the Smurf Village because that’s the best metaphor I can find. I do not use it now because daily life after HKL is quite varied.

Epilogue
Okay, what does all this mean?

A good friend wrote me an email and suggested that I stick things out in my congregation. He is probably right. I have found something truly special here and it is still special. At the same time, I have said that I will not be a part of a ‘discipling’ church and promised by son that he would not be raised in a ‘discipling’ church. That is hard to work through because I no longer feel 100% great about inviting people to my church. ( I really do invite people in the community to my church. I also share about God outside the context of church. (One day, I should write about my dialogues with a Muslim woman at work.))

But I am still wrestling with it. Shouldn’t I feel good about where I worship?

I live by Occam’s razor for many decisions – the solution with the simplest variables is usually the best. It would seem the simplest solution is for me to go another church. It would make me happy, but not my family. Right now, there doesn’t seem to be a way out with only a few variables. Praying about this has truly felt like an exercise in irreducible complexity.

I went to Delphi yesterday and read a bit – not much really. I went to the Toronto Church forums, and it is still the same. I think I am seeing less and less relevance of both these places – they are no longer places for the discourse of ideas, but a gathering place of like-minded friends.

Not being the vocal ex-member, I have not stories of being “free”, nor am I dealing with things in my past. I’m not the current member that is happy that things are getting back to normal. I’m not the current member that is blissfully ignorant of Kip and others. I am also not the current member that trusts current leadership in other churches. I am this rare thing – a current member that is unhappy about the direction we, as a whole, are going, but still committed to being a member of a local church. When the local church begins to look like the overall group of churches, I take pause as I mentioned Thursday.

I am struggling to see where I belong. If I am becoming marginalized or somehow marginalize myself, maybe it is time to move on. If I am just creating trouble for people that would otherwise be happy without me, I should move on. If I am an “outside-the-box” thinker that provides a valued different persepctive, I should stay. If I am helping people and not hurting them, I should stay. I guess I do not know for sure. I still want to teach, I am still loved by many, I still have good friends.

So, I’ll be on all the forums and stuff. I’ll post here as I work through this. It’s not the kind of thing that goes away with much thought and prayer in a couple of days. This will take a long time, and I can live with that.