Although a system may cease to exist in the legal sense or as a structure of power, its values (or anti-values), its philosophy, its teachings remain in us. They rule our thinking, our conduct, our attitude to others. The situation is a demonic paradox: we have toppled the system but we still carry its genes.

Ryszard Kapuscinski, Polish journalist, 1991

It’s true that I removed all the links to anything ICC related. This was so that I wouldn’t easily find the links anymore. It’s also because none of these sites are helpful to me anymore. I finally realized that all I needed to do was to walk away.

Too simple, really, but there was something for a long time that “I’ve fought too hard to give up now”. In the end, I decided that if the ICC wasn’t worth 13 years of my life before, it will never be worth another 13 years. It won’t be worth another 5 years. It won’t be worth another day. Despite all temptations to the contrary, I cut my losses.

I didn’t leave the church I attend. I’m still going. I teach classes on Sunday and serve on the leadership team called the Advisory Board. I haven’t “left in my heart” or any such nonsense. I love the people here and they love me. Family is a word cheapened by years of false zeal and shallow love, but it is what I feel. I am in a safe place where I am loved and respected. God is truly good to me, he has blessed me many times over.

For years I was angry at the things I thought were taken from me, then I was angry because I realized that I willingly gave them away. Over a decade of not being with my family and living apart from them created an intense desire to simply go home to stay. I grieved at not seeing my nieces grow up and not being a part of their lives. I despied who I had become, a boy so lacking in confidence that too many took advantage of my good nature. I felt trapped by a series of false dilemmas into believing that my life was a permanent struggle for things that were simply not possible.

Now, two years after escaping all of the controls, the false teachers, the callous and the manipulators, I was still giving my life over to those that did not deserve it. I was still willingly handing over control of my life to those that only did me harm.

Not any more.

I am still angry and I still pray to forgive and let go. I am not there yet. I still plan on writing out my thoughts and feelings as I try to make sense of my past, present, and future. I do not plan to hide behind my company or Linux to dodge the issues. I will not apologize for being blunt, only for not being accurate or not being fair. The form of Norman Vincent Peale Christianity that has become acceptable over many decades in America and used as a shield to deflect criticism recently in the ICC is not godly, is not honest, and is not holy. It is being transformed into the likeness of the world, especially the spoiled American world where everything is easy. At the end of time, I will have to give account for all the words I say and write, so I pray constantly.

To those that read here, thanks for the support.