I understand the pros and cons of celebrating a spiritual birthday. I understand that within the ICoC subculture, spiritual age was a yardstick of maturity – or a means to berate you for not being spiritual enough. (Your ten years old as a disciple and you still struggle with that? How do you think God feels about you?)

However, I still use this time to think about my life and reflect on my Christian walk. Considering recent events, it seemed good to continue this tradition. I didn’t do this last year, — it was the first time in 14 years. Today at 15, I think about a few things.

Ambivalence is not always healthy.
Love covers a multitude of sins.
Blessings come at the perfect time.

Ambivalence Is Not the Solution
I have become cynical about certain things over time. I try to be positive(whatever that means) and hopeful, but ultimately cannot sustain it for any length of time.

I’ve learned that cynical people are usually those that used to have to grandest dreams and hopes. A person doesn’t become jaded without something to be jaded about. Proverbs says that a dream deferred makes the heart sick. I believe a symptom of that sickness is cynicism. The grander the dream, the deeper the wound. At some point, a person can even become snide.

Over the past year, I have been snide and cynical. (Despite the rhyme, cynical and critical are not the same thing.) I have also been naively hopeful. Being eternally optimistic at heart, I switch between the extremes of big dreams and shattered hopes. I have these great visions and hopes for the future and when they do not come to pass, it is difficult to accept. One of my largest character flaws is lack of follow-through. Sometimes the vision fails because I do not get enough people on board at the beginning to sustain the project. Sometimes it is all in my head and I am unable to transfer the vision to anyone else. Everytime, though, I am greatly disappointed that it did not work out.

One solution is to not hope at all. It’s unrealisitic to try for this one and probably unhealthy. Another solution is to attempt to scale back the grandness of these hopes and visions. Easier said than done, I don’t have small ideas that gradually build up in scale, they arrive half-baked and huge at the start. Of course, being prone to getting carried away, the idea gets larger from there, despite starting out too big in the first place.

The best way to deal with this is to break the grand vision into smaller visions. It keeps me from overpromising and it keeps me focused on follow-through.

For example, this year I wanted to embrace unity in my Christian walk. On aspect of this unity is community involvement with people that claim the name Christian. To that end I spoke to various people within and without the Restorationist Movement. The most positive interaction came from a group here in town called Bridging the Gap Ministries. I can now connect this group, largely African-American, to the church I attend, largely white. Bridging the Gap does things in neighborhoods that many are afriad to visit. My neighbor, a barber, has worked in these neighborhoods for awhile as well. One connection brings three sets together – that it the essence of unity to me. Things have flagged of late with BTG, so I need to put some time into that connection and do what I can. However, it is manageable and involves a couple hours over the next two weeks.

My mother and step-father are part of an aging, but active group known as the International Order of Odd-Fellows. If I became a member of this group, I would have international connections to all kinds of people dedicated to helping others. I would be a fifth generation member, something of prestige within the orgnization. The benefit of the Odd-Fellows is that they are eager to be involved and tend to have money going unused year after year. Connect people that have money and motivation to help others with another group that is already actively helping others and you have something to build upon. Considering the benefits, this costs me two meetings a month and some weekly phone calls. When I think about building unity, I think about people doing this very thing: making connections from church to service group to parachurch group. If only the people in these three groups did this, I believe that we would eventually connect with the Rotarians and Kiwanis, not to mention people from all around the city that just want to help.

All of this is just a part of Christian unity that can demonstrate that people calling themselves Christians can make a difference in the community. As far as deeper unity within the church, my efforts thus far have not been as successful. I plan on attending classes taught at Christ Community Church at the invite of a friend. The president of Grace University, where my former minister was trained, is teaching a class on comparative religions. Considering that CCC has some roots in the Restoration Movement (think Willow Creek), I hope to make some connections there either through Grace University or through CCC. The worst thing that can happen is that I attend a free class with lots of good information.

Another aspect is akin to church unity. In that regard, I am finished with contacting people all over the ICoC subculture. All I have accomplished to that end is antagonizing so-called leaders in high places. They are not able to help me at this time, so I am going elsewhere. As Jesus said, those that are well do not need a doctor. True there are exceptions, so I do not want to hinder them in any way. Major folks from Abilene and Pepperdine are quite accessible and tend to be thinking about unity quite a bit these days. I stay in touch with them as I am able through listservs. Folks from the Willow Creek Community Church (like the CCC mentioned earlier) are also interested in unity. I frequent some websites with other like-minded people and viola, the stage is set for doing something rather than talking about something.

That doing something starts small, like a study group that meets together, or a community project, or something else. It can be anything, even a picnic. Ultimately, it would be great to have a monthly (at least!) worship service altogether. More than anything, just have an event that can lead to relationship building. I support the church I attend hiring a NON-ICoC minister and a ton of them have applied. It may not happen, but it would be great.

More later.