When I awoke this morning, I realized that I was preoccupied with many things.

For years when I awoke, I would be angry and I never knew why. I found that neither the previous day’s happenings nor mediatation before sleeping changed this from occurring. After a while, I just accepted that I would wake up angry for the rest of my life.

However, without realizing it, I was awakening each morning less angry than the day before. I say that now, because I no longer awaken to a feeling of being angry at everything and nothing at all. What allowed this change was persistence and time.

I accepted that I would awaken angry because it prevented me from getting more upset than I already was. At the the same time, I prayed and I meditated. I had this Kirkregardian fatalism about it – I would do the right thing even if it seemed to be meaningless. Besides, I thought, Paul was made perfect in weakness – his struggle with something larger than himself defined him. His struggle allowed him to live in humility. His struggle helped him to remember that he was not better than those to whom he preached. In some ways, it was his Total Perspective Vortex (without the nasty side effects).

One day I woke up and I realized that I wasn’t angry. I was actually pretty happy. My circumstances hadn’t changed, I was being asked to move out of the house I lived in. There was no shaking it, though, I wasn’t angry and I was excited to have this one day of repreive. One turned to two, two to four, four to thirty, thrity to hundreds. There are times that I still awaken to being angry or being deeply sad (inward-facing anger type of sadness). A few months ago, I had awoken angry everyday for two weeks – I had maintained praying but had stopped meditating. I also got some good advice to deal with the physical aspect, not just the emotional and spiritual aspects. So, I still take time every morning to pray, meditate, and also perform a personal ritual to remove physical tension that comes about from my wrestling with God.

I say all this because recently, I have awoken preoccupied. It feels like a stress kind of thing, but it comes out as sadness sometimes. It literally feels like I become aware of the end of a conversation just as I am waking up. My first thought is “what did you just say”? The thought then repeats and a host of others start crowding for attention in recognition that I am somewhat conscious.

Biblically, it is the mentality of the third soil. I am caught up in the worries and cares of this life. I have even shifted my focus away from God being my source of joy to a stock sale being my source of joy. I never knew I had 12 shares of Met Life stock until recently, so I sold them because my family and I are way-past broke.

It’s been said before – when Peter kept his focus on Jesus, he walked on water, when he focused on the storm, he sank. And yet, the grace of God is that he sank slowly: he had time to call out to Jesus and time for Jesus to walk(not run) over to help him up. In my life, I am glad that the grace of God has allowed me to sink slowly. I have time and space to call out for help.

I mention my previous difficulty because I am aware that this present darkness will change the same way. Even when the money comes and I enjoy the good friends God has blessed me with and I live at peace with my neighbors, I am going to awaken to a stream of unrelated thoughts for awhile.

When I prayed this morning for quite awhile, I did not feel better at the end. I did not even end with “Amen”. I went from casting my burdens upon him to getting upset that certain things are happening in the first place. So I stopped. I hope that later I can be clear-minded so I can pray. This post is a part of that process.

As good as it will feel, a check in the mail today is not the answer to all my problems. It will alleviate my circumstances a bit, but it is not the answer. The answer is and always will be God.

Through God, four friends helped me financially this month. Without their help, we wouldn’t have made it with all utilities on. I also would not have the crates of Ramen noodles. Through God, another friend, not knowing of our financial situation, gave us several pounds of venision, beef, and pork sausage. Someone else paid for my wife to go to the women’s retreat. Through God, she was able to deliver a small talk that some people really enjoyed. Through God, the DBA job has finally been posted, but it will be open for only four days (this is a good thing for internal candidates like me). Through God, we have good friends that we can share other things with and have them share with us. Through God, I have two communities of friends to bring joy and happiness. Through God, I have a wonderful son that laughs all day.

All of this is the grace of God that I was sinking slowly.

In a few months time, I hope to awake to a brand new day – again.