In 30 days, a lot can happen. If anything, I’ve learned that about six folks I know visit here periodically. How cool is that?
Since Sept 5, I have not felt too motivated to write much of anything. My wife planned Deaf Hispanic Day, and it went well. The state wants it to be an annual event. Brother Bear turns three, soon. He is talking, signing, and fingerspelling. As we head into our first IEP, there are certain issues that are good to have. He’s a smart boy, a very smart boy. We had a parent workshop that was really good and completely Non-ICOC. It was very encouraging to me and my wife. Our 4th Anniversary is near the end of the month. Hard to believe that we have only been married for 4 years. In a good way, it feels like 30.
In a troubling economy, I work in a public company. My job is more secure than many, but I still want to prove valuable in order to avoid the worst. By taking a Help Desk job instead of a developer job in 2002, I’ve lost my specialty. I cannot get paid my current salary going anywhere else. Still, I am grateful that I have a reliable job that starts at 8 and ends at 4:30. I get to be home and with my family.
Many things are going well.
However, I am finding that I cannot hear God anymore. For years now, I hear the voices of men when I read the Bible. I hear my own voice many times and like to attribute it to God. I have not given up the faith, but I have a real problem. The faith I have feels like it is a stapled-on addition.
I thought that working through circumstances around Baby Bear’s birth would free that up. I thought that working through marital issues would help. I thought that taking a few days of just me and God would help. Yet, I am beginning to lose hope that I will ever hear his voice again.
I have tried begging Him, I have tried screaming at Him, I have tried walking away from Him, I have tried everything I can think of. I have tried therapy, the direct approach, the indirect approach, giving me some time, giving Him some time, prayer, fasting, isolation, group activities, etc. etc. etc.
Despite all of this, there is no answer. It’s been so long, I am not even upset anymore. I have just accepted it as what I can only guess is what I must do in this life.
Yet, I just cannot let go. God was real once. It was undeniable and it was not ICoC. God was with me and I knew it. In some way, God is still with me, but for reasons that I cannot understand, He just doesn’t say anything.
Some have told me that Satan has confused me in that I can no longer read the Bible without hearing God. Some have advised that I “try the Holy Spirit”. Others had noted a lack of discipleship partner, while others have chided me for my lack of outward focus. I’m certain you have your ideas as well, but I would not like to have advice right now. Seriously, I love you all, but don’t offer me advice, please.
I do not need to be fixed.
God has always had a purpose for pain. In many ways, it provides gravitas to the one that suffers. I get asked to be on government committees and speak to families. It’s not because I’m a great person, it’s because of some painful circumstances in my life. There is something that cannot be answered when a person that ‘has been there’ speaks on a topic.
There are notable characters in the Bible that went through much worse ordeals than me. In the end, their words and thoughts were recorded. We can thank the trials of Paul for having much of the NT. Maybe our brothers were afraid at first, but after being stoned and imprisoned a few times, there’s not much to argue against.
Why all of this? I guess I won’t post regularly after all. I do not feel like I have much to write at the present time. I’m sure I will in the future, just not now. I do not enjoy ICoC subculture. I do not enjoy being a Christian and a Democrat when all I get is “HOW CAN YOU VOTE FOR SOMEONE THAT ESPOUSES THE MURDER OF CHILDREN?!?!?!” as if I am Hitler come back from the grave. I don’t have the energy to write about the cool things my children do, though I wish I did. Both of them can tell some great stories.
All of it comes to a difficulty of faith. I won’t let go when everything in my mind says that it is already gone. Until something changes in that space. All of us will just have to wait and pray I guess.
Comments
14 Responses to “30 Days”
Leave a Reply
D’OH!! Deleted ttk by accident. I had 1135 spam messages move from ‘awaiting approval’ to delete. I think I can set the filter to delete instead of place in the ‘awaiting approval’ bin.
Thanks Bobber for the kind words.
In talking about this with my wife, she believes that my personality is such that I need a new experience. Besides, she added, that I listen to God when I pray about her, so it’s not like I don’t hear God at all.
“Despite all of this, there is no answer. It’s been so long, I am not even upset anymore. I have just accepted it as what I can only guess is what I must do in this life.”
perhaps this is your answer. there is a cacophony, which is our life. but i don’t think it’s where/how God is heard. children seem to hear God much clearer than we do. one of the hardest thing for me over the last few years was trying to capture the innocence that was lost over the last almost 20 years. where i should have heard God, I heard rhetoric or white noise. when i can get to that ‘child’ of God point, i seem to hear God clearer.
btw - it’s not advice - just what seems to work for me.
ttk
No advice, just love and a big mental hug!
I miss you, Dude.
Well, I’ll keep checking periodically just in case.
Much love B.
I’ve grown to hate those who have political opinions. ;-} I too am a Christian Dem.
Read Old Turtle. You’ll know why after but just sit alone and read it. It may take more than one time but I really think you need to read this beautiful little book.
Praying for ya’ll
Old Turtle? How about Thomas Jefferson? What significant difference is there between these two candidates?
Ok, McCain gives more lip service to pro life. But he wants to fight North Korea, Iran, and bring every ex-soviet state into NATO so we can oblige them in there fear of Russia by guaranteeing a war. Obama is hardly different on this point. He wants to move the troops in Iraq over to Afghanistan and run special ops and who knows what else into Pakistan as well as support NATO expansion. How can any Christian in their right mind support either of these dictator wannabes?
Bobber,
Not talking about politics.
I’ve given up talking about it in the blog world not every talk is about how to vote for.
I hear stuff like this from friends and it breaks my heard. BEG once told me (when he lived only 2 miles away) that when he was away from Columbus, he could worship because he was away from the issues of the church here at the time. I had been trying to talk him out of moving away, but when I heard that I told him then he needed to go. It broke my heart, but he needed to get away from the hurt and issues so that he could see God again.
I’m not sure what I’m trying to say other than my heart is with you. I hope that you find peace in Him soon, and patience, perseverance & faith for the mean time.
I wonder if any Obama supporters could respond to this article?
I’m anti-abortion, but neither political party is going to eliminate it. The Republicans are the most hypocritical in that regard. They controlled all three branches of government for several years. They had enough control to do enough things that are too numerous to list here. Yet, abortion was not on their radar. From President Bush on down, there was no serious attempt made.
Why? A cynic might say it is because the abortion issue is worth a lot of votes for Republicans. There are probably millions of people who are voting with abortion being among their most important issues in elections ranging from President to Congressman to Governor. Many of these people may be turned off by the Republicans handling of foreign policy or the economy, but think is their duty to vote Republican because of the abortion issue.
What do you think?
In recent year’s I’ve leaned toward being an “Amerophile”, or whatever the equivalent of Anglophile is. Mark Twain, Jefferson, Lincoln, MLK and on and one, not to mention many contributions to popular music and culture. Politically, the stakes seem pretty high at the moment. Hope you guy’s can sort things out over there.
To the Author, God bless, I hope His tender whisper speaks once more into your heart - and soon.
[WORDPRESS HASHCASH] The poster sent us ‘0 which is not a hashcash value.
Rock,
Good observations. I think most people who vote Republican over the abortion issue are mostly ignorant of our foreign policy. It really takes a bit more effort to understand what we are doing with over 700 military bases in other countries as well as the number of people we are killing and just the simple fact that our presence in many countries is causing more enemies to be formed instead of less. These things are not reported by the MSM. You have to do some reading and some digging. Antiwar.com is a great resource. http://antiwar.com